VILLAGE UNCLES 1

The 35-Year-Old Demon-Possessed Virgin

Tonia had managed to overcome a good percentage of the generational barriers that glued her siblings to one spot irredeemably. First off, her virginity was intact until her wedding night. She had no heartbreaks, no emotional traumas, nothing at all. Coming to her academics, she graduated with a second class upper in English and Linguistics and had a good job as an interpreter in an oil firm full of foreign non-English speaking experts. She was well to do.

Being such a beauty, she had no problems being sought out by a worthy suitor. As a matter fact, her problem, I would say, was her beauty because she attracted so many suitors that she became indecisive. But having built a good relationship with God’s Spirit, she leaned on the Spirit for guidance. In accordance with the Spirit’s directives, Tonia gushingly gave a big YES to the one man who was divinely wired to stand by her in sickness and in health, till death do them part.

Fast forward to the wedding day, Tonia parents, especially her mom, cried a million tears of joy. At last, one of their children had done them proud; unlike their other children who were still very far from taking their destinies off the leash of their wicked village uncles. These uncles had vowed never to see Tonia or her siblings record more progress than their useless and worthless children roaming to and fro in the village, and even in town sef!!! Let me give a brief detail of what these uncles did to Tonia’s siblings.


MATTHEW is the first son but third child of Tonia’s family. Despite being named after one of Jesus’ faithful and useful disciples, he couldn’t amount to anything more than the PRESIDENT OF DRUNKARDS CLUB. He wakes up in the morning with a great yearning for ETHANOL. I would love to refer to what he drinks as LOCAL GIN. But the rate at which local gin is consumed by Matthew and his colleagues has rendered it a rare commodity.

In a bid to stay in business, the sellers of the local gin resorted to satisfying drunkards’ insatiable appetite for alcohol with a detrimental alternative, ETHANOL. In case you don’t know what ETHANOL is, dictionaries define it as “the intoxicating agent in fermented and distilled liquors; used pure or denatured as a solvent or in medicines and colognes and cleaning solutions and rocket fuel; proposed as a renewable clean-burning additive to gasoline.”

Can you pour that on your skin??? But guess what; Matthew and his fellows consume it more than you consume water; no thanks to VILLAGE UNCLES. What about Cecilia??? Cecilia is Tonia’s elder sister. She was born out of wedlock. Tonia’s mom was still courting her dad when they had Cecilia. Their courtship lasted over 10 years before they finally managed to pull off what I term a “fairly acceptable” marriage union. They then went ahead to have Tonia and Matthew.

Just like her mom, Cecilia got pregnant out of wedlock. But her case was worse because the man responsible blatantly denied the pregnancy. All effort to get the irresponsible man to take responsibility failed, and Cecilia resorted to having an abortion. Abortion seemed quite easy to her. So, anytime she mistakenly took in, she would just visit a doctor with the usual N5k. As of now, her marital future is uncertain because news of her escapades is actually no news anymore.

But the woes of Tonia’s family doesn’t end there. Her village uncles also extended their wicked arms to the family’s favorite, a young promising teenage girl called Tricia. If not for anything, I love Tonia’s dad for his choice of names for his children. Tricia is the last born of the family. She’s just 19 years of age and can’t wait to hit 20. Right from 17, she was already sick and tired of being called a teenager. She was so desperate to become an adult in the eyes of the public.

I say she was desperate to become an adult in the eyes of the public because she had already become an adult, given the activities she was actively carrying out right from age 16. She often mocked Tonia’s virginity and never failed echoing how awkward her unfortunate husband will find her to be on her wedding night. Even at that godly age, she often dared to fill her over 30-year-old virgin sister in on the modus operandi of s*x. Did I mention that Tricia had become a Facebook Slay Queen??? She changed her name from Tricia to “Mhiz Tasty Creampie.” VILLAGE UNCLES!!!

The best thing that happened to Tonia’s family was Tonia herself. The lady got married as a virgin at age 35 to a supposed fortunate man. But it turned out he wasn’t so fortunate after all because his sweet and tender adult-virgin wife had problems conceiving and giving birth. Indeed, even Tonia herself wasn’t completely free from the leash of her village uncles. Firstly, she had a delayed marriage, even with her beauty, brains, and virginity.

When she managed to overcome marital delay, her village uncles took the game to another dimension. They were bent on rubbing dust on her glory by rendering her barren. So Tonia would be called “the virgin girl who got married at age 35 but couldn’t bear children.” Can you even imagine such description??? Years passed and Tonia was yet to be mistakenly tested pregnant.

She and her husband were busy running from one medical center to the other. What they didn’t know was that Tonia’s inability to conceive had no medical ties. It was sorely the doing of a collaboration of village uncles. Meanwhile, the said village uncles were having a swell time in bushes, huts, and shrines. Tonia almost got off their leash. But being masters of the art of sorcery, they knew how exactly to keep her interwoven in their demonic web. Poor Tonia. After 35 years hard work, dedication, and prayer, she was about to join her siblings in misery. What a world!!!

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