COME OFF IT, GIRL (ALIGN)

June 21, 2023

COME OFF IT, GIRL (ALIGN)

FADE IN:

INT. LIZ’S APARTMENT - EVENING

(LIZ, NORA)

An elegant feminine figure on the mirror ushers in the scene: lady in red, a beauty to write home about. If an audience were to peep in and behold her image, there certainly would be drooling and lusting from the male gender...and perhaps unhealthy urges from her sort. This lady, pleasingly plump, having a delighting fullness of enchanting figure, light-skinned and oil-smooth, a sight that exudes the “have it all” mood and atmosphere. Cleopatra doesn’t come close. Julius Caesar probably would not have passed as a worthy target for her seduction. Of course not...because she wouldn’t seduce. That’s not her style. All it’d take for Caesar to break free from Cleopatra's spell is a mistaken gaze at this lady...such as ensued with David and Bathsheba back in the days. While David’s encounter with Bathsheba resulted in wounds and catastrophe, encountering this lady yields nothing but therapy and healing as consequence. Nevertheless, the condition of her face obstructs the sensations that derive from coming in proximity with a goddess in human form. Bitter tears make a mess of her facial adornment, her tuneful voice giving free rein to exhaustive sobs and painful lamenting from series of brokenheartedness...no thanks to grouchy lovers and artful adorers. Her words grieve souls.

LIZ

(Demoralized)

Isn’t this just going to be one of those promising dates that start off bright and fair, only to end up dull and unfair? This is going to be, what...my 7th Romeo? If I recall correctly, Juliet could afford to mourn her deceased Romeo all her life and did well to recount the tale of their romance to generations after her...such that their affair is cheap knowledge today. I’ve got six Romeos to my name, yet the last tale my mouth is interested in recounting are the goings that ensued between us. I couldn’t care less. My concern, however, is this number seven. What’s the chance he’ll be my long-sought love match? What’s the chance he’s going to be my second Adam, sent from heaven to redeem my heart? Isn’t this gearing up to be another big mistake?

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It looks like Liz is lamenting her romantic woes in a soliloquy. As it turns out, it’s a wrong impression. There’s someone else in the room who now comes into view upon her affectionate babying of the trauma-rendered toddler, her good friend, who is to her--a friend indeed. Liz’s lamenting isn’t new to her. They’ve been friends from adolescence. No one shares Liz’s pain like Nora. And now, on this supposed special day, Nora is right there with Liz...as usual.

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NORA

At this point, telling you about light at the end of the tunnel will hold no water. An attempt at cheering you with eternal words may fall short in piercing through the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and joint and marrow. But then, if it’s anything to you, cast your mind to Ruth in the bible. She lost it all: family, husband, home, and all you could think of. The account of her travails is not on record. But the summarized report of her life’s progression does point to light at the end of the tunnel. So it’s safe to aver that your long-sought love match may just have dropped from above. If a prudent wife only comes from above, why not a fitting love match?

LIZ

It’s easy for you to say. After all, you’re not the one in my shoes. Several years of involuntary celibacy, not a single love story, but a truckload of betrayals and jilting and deceptions...unreciprocated affection, and all manner of hurtful endeavors. I can’t believe I’m actually investing time into looking ravishing for another first date with another potential Romeo. I’d expect you to advice me against a venture like this. Are you seriously sending me out to take another shot at a heartbreak?

NORA

Such negative thoughts may invade your mind, given your experiences in this area of being. But do not give it life. I don’t mean to sound like a preacher, but baby girl, you’re better off speaking only what God says. Override doubt with words of faith.

CUT TO:

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INT. DAVE’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

(DAVE, CARL)

If beauty truly is in the eyes of the beholder, then Dave’s eyes have yet to make it to the league of beholding eyes because, of all the beauties that grace the globe, no ravishing hottie has his eyes to gush of—as nursing a fascination towards her. But that assessment would be from the standpoint of the ignorance of those hotties because, as much as it depends on their perspectives of Dave when it comes to his dealings with women, no ravishing hottie indeed has his eyes to gush of—as nursing any such fascinations. But his gossipy confidants have without restraint brought the planet up to speed on his enthrallment over the goddess-like daughters of men and his morbid desire to treat a fair portion of them to good intercourse. As luck would have it, it happens that he can’t bring himself to be as rakish a bachelor as those gossipy friends of his...otherwise, he’d by now be swimming in oceans of regrets over series of baneful misfortunes like his gossipy friends. If there are blessings in disappointments like they say, then Dave has bags full of blessings because, when it comes to his way with hotties, it’s been nothing but disappointments galore, fortunately. One thing is certain, though…he’s on the verge of getting past basking in the fortunes of such letdowns to delighting himself in the gratifying pleasance that stems from a relishing of good intercourses. Hopefully his first date with Liz comes off as anything but disappointing. He’s done dressing for the occasion!

DAVE

(To Carl, his “Pal”)

Here I go again...I hope I don’t blow it! Everything I don’t want to do, I keep doing; steadily feeling stupid and giving silly excuses. I need to face the music Carl...this cheerful irresponsibility and carefree unconventionality path ain’t for me. I should go chill in my mom’s kitchen and do justice to her delicacies. What’s with the false hopes of scoring this Liz chick? Is she any less of a nutjob than the rest? Damn it!

CARL

There you go again indeed...with the negativities! What if she’s no nutjob? And what if your hopes of scoring her comes through? Cut yourself some slack mehn. You’re not that terrible a toaster. You managed to win yourself a date night. So...

DAVE

(Intercepts)

So what? You sound like this is gonna be my first date night. What about all those numerous date nights with your adorable sis? She ended up with a loser who made a “Mother Theresa” out of her, and it’s all because “I’m not that terrible a toaster?”

CARL

Wait a sec! Is that the view you hold of my sis and her hubby? A loser who made a Mother Theresa out of her? And you’d have made what out of her? A princess? A queen? A sort of case study for your bitter laments over womanly injustices towards you in romantic matters? Or perhaps a demonized soul for your exorcism? What?

DAVE

You see what I mean? You know exactly how the thing goes. So why bother to pull some motivational crap on me when you already know what’s bound to go down out there with that Liz chick? And yes! I would have made all of what you listed out of your sweet sis...anything but a “Mother Theresa!” I’m pretty sure she’d welcome a queenly crown or the royal treats of a princess. And if she happens to be demonized, wouldn’t my exorcism come in handy in ridding her of her demons? If after all said and done, she becomes a case study for our love story, wouldn't that be great?

CARL

Well, my sis is out of the picture now. But you have Liz to make anything out of--for your romantic satisfaction. Better make it count this time. So go out there and kill it!

BACK TO:

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INT. LIZ’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

(LIZ, NORA)

Liz is all set for her first date with Dave. Her friend, Nora, has succeeded in urging her on and filling her up with optimism towards this romantic endeavor. Carl, on the other hand, can’t exactly be said to have done same to Dave...at least not as much as the modest Nora has.

LIZ

How do I look?

NORA

Ravishing!

LIZ

Oh yeah?

NORA

Absolutely. Now, get your fine self out there...and make sure you kill it! Except he lacks good judgment of virtuous damsels, he’ll surely fall head over heels for you.

LIZ

Quit the flatteries girl. I might be a virtuous damsel. But what makes his judgement bad if he doesn’t deem me so? One man’s meat is another man’s poison, you know?

NORA

It’s best you be gone already before you mar the already-oozing romantic aura with prejudicious contemplations. Get back soon and brief me on how much fun he made you have. And you too, endeavor to give him the time of his life. Rock his boat, girl!

FADE OUT.

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EXT. POOL SIDE, LA’HOTEL - MOMENTS LATER

(DAVE, LIZ)

It’s obvious how appealing Dave finds these girls and how much of an obliging acquaintance he’s inclined to be towards them. But can the same narrative be averred about the girls? Or, would efforts on his part to link-up with them prove to be nothing but one-sided enterprises? Well, he’s out here on his first date with Liz...who just steps in. Let’s see how it plays out.

DAVE

(Drags her a chair)

You’re welcome Liz. Nice to finally meet you.

LIZ

Thanks Dave. You’re such a gentleman.

DAVE

Oh, please. It could be just some “first impression” stunt. You know what they say: “first impression matters.” But then, thanks for the complement. You look ravishing!

LIZ

I’m tempted to say “for your eyes only.” But that would be me being too forward to see forever from yesterday. So I’ll simply say “thanks.” You don’t look bad yourself.

DAVE

I’m equally tempted to say “for your eyes only.” But wouldn’t that be me being too forward to see forever from yesterday? So I’ll simply say “thanks” too.

LIZ

(Laughs)

You are starting to come off to me as a comedian. I mean, look at me...I’m laughing to your jokes...and I don’t even have a thing for comedy. Impressive sense of humor!

DAVE

You don’t say! I can’t believe this is starting off on such a right foot! So promising!

LIZ

What? You mean to say you hardly start off dates on right foots?

DAVE

That’s if there's been that many dates to start off in the first place. Last I checked, the one lady with whom I managed to start off a date on the right foot, ended up in the hands of a loser who made a “Mother Theresa” out of her. But her brother, my friend in need and indeed, doesn’t like me viewing his beloved sister in that light.

LIZ

Come on, Dave! Why would you view her in that light? And even if you consider her man a loser, why bring it to her notice? Why even call the man a loser? And you expect her brother to cheer you on for demeaning his sister and her husband?

DAVE

That wasn’t me demeaning them. That was me keeping it real. You should see the man. And you should see her too. I mean, you should see them! They don’t go well together at all. How she managed to slip through my fingers is what I can’t wrap my head around. I know I suck at these things. But come on! Anyway, it’s all in the past now. I should be focused on this pleasingly plump enchanting figure before me.

LIZ

(Blushes)

Oh, Dave...aren’t you one hell of a flatterer? Thanks all the same. I’m blushing.

DAVE

Oh, wow! That’s a plus for me. I’m rarely able to make anyone blush...not to mention making that happen with so little effort. Is it me? Or is it you? It must be you! You’re doing something to me...and it’s barely ten minutes since we’ve met.

LIZ

I’m not sure what exactly is up with you. But if it is a good thing...as it appears to be, then I very much welcome being responsible for it. I’d say the same about you. Can’t recall the last guy who warmed up to me so effortlessly. You must be a genius.

DAVE

And who’s the flatterer now? But thanks all the same. Who would have thought? I’m a genius! And I’m guessing a genius and a hottie go well together, right?

LIZ

What’s a hottie?

DAVE

A very attractive or seductive looking woman.

LIZ

Goodness me!

DAVE

Yeah...that’s you: an astonishing beauty who’s done nothing in particular to capture the heart of this genius. I only hope that, this time, my feelings get reciprocated.

LIZ

What girl would say no to a genius? So I guess it’s bound to be reciprocated.

DAVE

Really?

LIZ

I hope so.

DAVE

Alright then. Let’s see. How about I start off with some genius pickup lines like: “I hope I’m not being too forward to see forever from yesterday. But I think I’m in love with you already. The moment I set my eyes on you, I was taken by a storm.”

LIZ

Gosh, Dave! Isn’t that one hell of a pickup line? Gonna need to have some drinks first to help me digest those words before bringing myself to give a good response.

DAVE

My bad. I should’ve placed orders before initiating a convo. See what I meant when I said I suck at these things? So tell me: do you do alcohol or you’re a sort of sister Mary? I totally understand if you don’t. I mean, the world needs lots of sister Marys to maintain sanity...especially with folks going nuts daily over just about anything.

LIZ

I see why your friend’s sister slipped through your fingers. You’ve got a bad mouth!

DAVE

Aren’t we forgetting how this bad mouth made you blush so lovingly not long ago?

LIZ

Enough with the sweet talks, mister. Let’s place orders already. And I’m gonna have some alcohol...just to prove wrong your assumption of me as a sort of nun.

DAVE

Is that a dare?

LIZ

How else do I prove that I’m not some sort of sister Mary...or a Mother Theresa...or a loser perhaps. I have nothing to prove though. Just want to clear your doubt.

DAVE

Alright then. Let the drinking spree begin! Waiter! Waiter! Come on here!

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The waiter shows up and takes orders from the potential mates...who turn their first date into a drinking competition, forgetting their past relationship plights and their intention to put an end to such ugly plights by making the best out of this date. It so happens that the drinking spree, which should be something of a bad omen, turns out gearing towards their desired goal.

CUT TO:

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INT. ROOM 10, LA’HOTEL - MOMENTS LATER

Liz and Dave are in bed, drunk and passed out. Both lay facing the ceiling, asleep. Dave seems to be having the nap going good for him. But Liz seems disturbed in her sleep, like one in dreamworld, caught up in unearthly situations that seem hard to snap out of...reason for her loss of composure in bed. A peek into her dreamworld reveals her present state of affair. It’s some sort of documentary on Dave...the progression of his life thus far as it has to do with ladies. The content must be a really unsettling one to rob Liz of composure even in her sleep. As observed upon peeking into Liz’s dreamworld, the documentary starts out with a presenter rounding off the session with the last details of Dave’s adventure in the ladies world, which isn’t a pleasant one, showing Dave off as one to not be with. The Final words on Dave are:

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PRESENTER

The last that was seen of the boy was an “Eye in the Sky” view of him lying in desert regions like the album art of Omah Lay’s “Boy Alone” album…his only company being his footprints and shadow. Someday he will make it back into human territory with a message to the world of how God made “the chosen one” out of him despite the naysaying of those who said he would never be the one, of how he has seen the glory of God, His faithfulness, and how God has sat him upon a rhythm like a king upon a throne. Eyes look forward to that day and the possible stories the boy will have to tell. For those who didn’t follow up on the documentary from the start, kindly visit our internet platform to watch the full version which had been recording while the show was ongoing. It’s one you don’t want to miss out on!

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Interestingly, Liz is curious enough to want to dig into it--to get filled in on the progression of Dave’s endeavors in the ladies’ world, especially being that she is...is what? Considering initiating a heated romantic affair with him that shouldn’t make it to the list of stories that touch the heart? Especially being that this would be her what? 7th Romeo? So she navigates her way to the web and finds the recorded documentary on Dave. Just a click--and the session begins, initiating what would come to be Liz’s best dream ever: a sort of “schoolgirl fantasy.”

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PRESENTER (CONT'D)

If beauty truly is in the eyes of the beholder, then this youngster’s eyes have yet to make it to the league of beholding eyes because, of all the beauties that grace the global village, no ravishing hottie has his eyes to gush of—as nursing a fascination towards her. But that assessment would be from the standpoint of the ignorance of those hotties because, as much as it depends on their perspectives of the boy when it comes to his dealings with babes, no ravishing hottie indeed has his eyes to gush of—as nursing any such fascinations. But then, his gossipy confidants have without restraint brought the planet up to speed on his enthrallment over the goddess-like daughters of men and his morbid desire to treat a fair portion of them to really good intercourse. As luck would have it, it happens that he can’t bring himself to be as rakish a bachelor as those gossipy friends of his...else, he’d by now be swimming in oceans of regrets over a series of baneful misfortunes like his gossipy friends. If there are blessings in disappointments as they say, then the boy has bags full of blessings because, when it comes to his way with hotties, it’s been nothing but disappointments galore, fortunately. One thing is certain: he’s possibly on the verge of getting past basking in the fortunes of such letdowns to delighting himself in the very gratifying pleasances that stems from a relishing of really good intercourse.

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Dave immediately strikes Liz as a superstar! Dave’s romantic endeavors aired on live TV? The same Dave who gave her an impression of himself as a “sucker when it comes to these things?” Her curiosity heightens, as she pays keen rapt attention to the presenter’s words.

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PRESENTER (CONT'D)

It is obvious how appealing the boy finds these hotties and how much of an obliging acquaintance he is inclined to be toward them. But can the same narrative be averred about those hotties? Or, would any attempt on his part to link up with them prove to be nothing but a one-sided enterprise? Gone are the days when the boy would cry rivers over such unwelcome endeavors. A planet full of hotties can afford to play the “pricy beauty queen” on the boy…it wouldn’t matter…as long as he’s got bags full of cash to afford the life of his dreams and acquire anything whatsoever for himself…including hotties. It’s popularly said that: “money talks, trash stops!” It’s a sure thing that—with cash in the picture, the hotties’ narratives will be in tune with the boy’s…even if his narratives are gibberish. So it is understandable why his allure for them and morbid desire to treat a couple of them to really good intercourse are incapable of spurring him towards playing Casanova. Do not count on that, though. If a man after God’s heart could send another man who trustingly took refuge under the shadow of his wings to an early grave so he’d take over the man’s wife, then the boy, who doesn’t seem to be after anyone’s heart, can do and undo. And now he’s got his eyes on intercourse...really good intercourse.

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It immediately strikes Liz again that Dave is not just a superstar. He’s also rich! Filthy rich! Perhaps the reason his romantic endeavors is aired on live TV is because he’s rich! Liz watches on to the part where it is revealed that it had been Dave’s lifelong desire to tie the nuts with a lady that stems from the loins of a “man of the cloth,” having even gone ahead to study the “HOWTOs” and read up the punchlines that would make for scoring himself that sort of bride. Howbeit, in the course of implementing the ideas derived from those studies, he had navigated his way across the ladies’ world to get to the desert region spoken of at the start of the documentary...where he had fled to--to rid himself of the woes that robbed off on him in the course of his philandering enterprise in the ladies’ world. Dave had told his side of the story, which seemed unfair, given the manner of treatment he claims to have been dealt by the ladies he fell in love with while on that love-search-turn-philandering-enterprise.

Here he seems to be again, having made it back into human territory with a message to the world of how God has made “the chosen one” out of him despite the naysaying of those who said he would never be the one, of how he has seen the glory of God, His faithfulness, and how God has sat him upon a rhythm like a king upon a throne. Eyes that looked forward to this day and the possible stories the boy will have to tell...are all set to hear him out. As it turns out, the ladies he claims had treated him badly when he was at their mercy, seem to think he has had a lot to tell already and should step on the breaks momentarily while they tell their side of the story that would make for their defense and vindication of his position. Liz gets to the point in the documentary where it is said that--to appreciate and extol how Dave's union with a lady that stems from the loins of a “man of the cloth” had been, his journey through the astonishing daughters of men must be fairly explored. It did not end there at all.

She also saw where it was said that--if one is familiar with comprehensive essay writing, one knows there are four significant parts to it. There’s the Abstract, there’s the Introduction, the Body, and the Conclusion. If the boy’s predicament were to be accounted of—in an essay, his difficulty and frustration with hotties would make up the Abstract, his resolution to change the narratives would make up the Introduction, and his invasion of the ladies’ world to single out for himself a fine, single, and available damsel who incidentally was a preacher’s girl and very open to a fired up true love affair with him—would make up the Conclusion. But you know what was said would make up the Body of the essay? His escapades with the daughters of men! It was said on a final note that--for a delightful comprehension of his ride through the domains of those hotties, a segmentation of them into Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Sidonians, and Hittites would be adopted in the narrative to make for comprehensibility.

Following suit, the aggrieved ladies, like rape victims, opt to speak up and clear the air on what really occurred during his venturing into their world to feed his vanities. For starters, he didn’t put it that way. He played the victim card. Now, here are these ladies, having made it to the documentary to exonerate themselves of certain ugly charges leveled against them. For a suave conveying of what ensued, they opt to take their turns serially, in accordance with the boy’s philandering tour across their domain, segmenting themselves into Moabite, Ammonite, Edomite, Sidonian, and Hittite women...as did the boy while telling his tale.

As though now taking a tour through the events the ladies reveal as having ensued during the boy’s crisscrossing of their domains, the recounting of those events by those ladies seem to play out in Liz’s mind’s eyes as the ladies keep adding flesh to bone until the reality of the situation becomes clearly revealed to the mind, senses, and sound judgment of all and sundry.

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MOABITESES

We thought it especially needful to speak up and clear the air on the accusation leveled against us by Dave--who happens to be a rave of the moment, for which reason whatever is spewed out of his mouth is hardly called into question. Of course he crossed our path in his unadvised philandering enterprise and we all beheld him as he maneuvered his way along the length and breath of our territory. But ask him, with which of our Moabite maidens did he pitch his tent while with us? Hadn’t he deemed the mature maidens amongst us as cougars and the younger ones as not falling into the category of those he referred to as--hotties? Even the mature ones whose fancy he tickled--who were set to lavish their hard earned cash on him, he let past him. Ask him again, could he get around mustering the courage and confidence to establish a rapport with any of us despite the benefits that were to be derivable from such courageousness? Hadn’t he quickly taken a hike to younger Ammonite hotties who happened to seize his attention just then? What ensued between him and those lots is what we don’t know. Thankfully, they are also here to speak up and bring everyone to the knowledge of what ensued between them and Dave.

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Liz is struck by that revelation, her curiosity heightening all the more. Dissatisfied with that brief detail, she poses questions in her mind to those Moabiteses which, of course, aren’t relayed across to them, being that the show was already recorded. Surprisingly, as though a live broadcast, with those maidens being privy to the contents of her mind and having heard the question posed by her, the Moabiteses continue their defense, giving voice to what would be answers to the questions posed by Liz in her mind. Having gotten struck by that revelation, Liz can’t imagine how Dave would let two wonderful sets of women slip through his fingers like that. Young astonishing Moabite beauties like Ruth (one of the great-grand-mothers- of Jesus Christ) not falling within the category of maidens he deemed as “hotties?” And he couldn’t get around doing what? Mustering the courage to establish a rapport with those whose fancy he successfully tickled--who were likewise ready to spend their hard earned money on him? How did he manage to score himself a date with her?

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MOABITESES (CONT'D)

Dave failed to mention that his primary problem with women is fear. His reason for failing to muster enough courage to reciprocate the affections channeled towards him by the ones he tags “cougars” isn’t necessarily that he couldn’t bring himself to muster the courage that would spur him towards making moves on them. It is simply because he has what can simply be tagged “the fear of women.” It is very understandable for a young man to be gripped with fear when it comes to initiating something romantic with older ladies. But what about initiating something romantic with young ladies? The ones within his age range? Pretty ones at that? The likes of Ruth would have made for gold delivered to him on a platter. But what did he do? Fear of women wouldn’t let him go for the kill. He bailed out into wilder Ammonite territory to do what exactly? What he couldn’t do in tamer Moabite territory? It’s a good thing the Ammoniteses are here to fill us in on Dave’s tour of their territory.

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Liz’s question is not completely answered. But it strikes her again that this confident young man who rocked her boat upon their first encounter--has what? Fear of women? The same guy who was confident he would have made a queen or princess out of her friend’s sister whose husband, according to him, only succeeded in making a “Mother Theresa” out of? Liz can very much liken herself to the likes of Ruth who Dave let slip through his fingers. Again, she asks herself, how in the world did he manage to score himself a date with her? Liz’s curiosity only succeeds in heightening from dimension to dimension, as she craves further revelations to be bared by the next sets of ladies who are already agitating and can’t wait to seize the occasion to chew Dave raw for painting them black to merely win the people’s sympathy and perhaps, come off as the sweet and loving guy whose sweetness and love only got reciprocated with the bitterness of idol-worshiping witches who don’t know the first thing about living a life of love, not to mention one that has to do with putting a lover first. And so they commence!

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AMMONITESES

Dave came to us like other men do! We had no idea what he had been up to before he crossed our path. But one thing we quickly noticed about him was his pride! He boasted of having read books in which two categories of women are squarely dissected...cougars and younger ladies. According to him, the author’s appraisal gears more towards cougars than younger ladies because younger ladies have what he calls “superficial shine,” which, most often gets them expecting that the world of men ought to revolve around them...while cougars possess “inner radiance,” which puts them ahead of younger ladies in terms of maturity and respectability. So Dave had been in Moabite domain which harbored the category of women appraised by the author of that book yet couldn’t muster the courage to approach any of them? What was the essence of reading the book? Instead, what happened? More astonishingly beautiful Ammonite hotties within his age range caught his attention and he swapped his course right away? To us? What did he do when he came to us?

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It begins to really get interesting...such that Liz tends to forget that she’s in dreamworld. She can’t wait to savor all the details. Fortunately for her, those with the details she seeks to savor are all up and ready to bare it all unreservedly. Paying keener attention to the details, the agitating Ammoniteses drop the next sets of bombs that further wet her curiosity for details.

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AMMONITESES (CONT'D)

He complained about having been welcomed with such superficial shine that brought to his memory all he had read about younger ladies from the book, “The Way of the Superior Man.” Hence, if he was to survive in our domain, his world had to revolve around us, and that wasn’t something he would settle for...which got us wondering: “what exactly caught his attention and made him swap his course from Moabite territory to Ammonite territory?” To wash our supposed dirty linen in public and show us how “undeserving” we are of the likes of him? Really? Dave? Being the proud arrogant bastard he is, he claimed to have regretted not pitching his tent with the Moabite cougars he couldn’t muster the courage to make a move on. And, instead of humbling himself and returning to them to try and win his way back into their hearts, his pride drove him all the way to where? Edomite territory? To do what? To take his philandering to the province of Edomite cougars? Which he did? Bravely? And what became of that brave endeavor? Wouldn’t the Moabite cougars whose fancy he had successfully tickled--have easily forgiven him and taken him back into their fold? In his pride, he also claimed that--in addition to whatever he hoped to gain from Edomite cougars, there was also surplus money to be thrown around by them. We ask: in addition to whatever he hoped to gain from the Moabite cougars he thoughtlessly undermined, wasn’t there also surplus money to be thrown around by them? Instead of admitting he was too ashamed to humble himself before them and own up to his chickenheartedness when it comes to women-related-matters, he forged ahead to Edomite territory to leave behind another ill reputation for himself. Or, were things any different over there with those lots?

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Edomiteses wouldn’t let those Ammoniteses say any further before taking up the matter in what looks like a defense of Dave. Their defensive interruption seizes Liz’s attention. All that had been said of Dave thus far seemed to cross the Edomiteses as strange. Obviously, that was not the version of Dave they had encountered. What version of Dave did they encounter? Did Dave lose his fear of women by the time he got to them? Had he lost his pride by that time? Had he become more women-inclined by the time he got to them? The Edomiteses speak!

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EDOMITESES

What’s all this talk about Dave being a philanderer? We don’t understand. Dave fell in love with one of us and stayed in love with her for a long while. The only problem we had with him was his attempt to impose his belief system on her and get her to forsake our idols. We all know about Ruth who forsook the idols of her land to embrace the belief system of her late husband. The thing is, she wasn’t cajoled into it. It wasn’t imposed on her. She did so on her own accord. And to think that Dave missed a shot with a Moabite maiden who possibly would have embraced his belief system to advance to Edomite territory to require an Edomite maiden to do so? To learn that his failure to have done so to the Moabite maiden was fear?

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Liz is impressed at this point. Something laudable about Dave at last! Would that be the last laudable testimony about Dave? Liz wondered. Only one way to find out, hence her returning her attention to the documentary just when the next laudable testimony is relayed tenderly.

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EDOMITESES (CONT'D)

His love meant the world to me. He lectured me about his religion and certain entities he referred to--as angels. From what he told me about angels, it seemed to me like he was one of them...having fallen right out of the sky to land at my doorstep. It was all I could ask for. I sensed nothing of “fear of women” in him; Rather, since the moment we got together, his interest was fixated on me and never diverted to another woman. He was everything of a faithful lover until he brought up that whole religion and belief system thing that saw us parting ways eventually.

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The Moabiteses interrupt!

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MOABITESES

He was everything of a what? You sensed nothing of fear of women in him? Why do you think his interest never diverted to another woman? Because he’d fallen head over heels for you? Hahahahaha. Wonders shall never end, and people will never be tired of seeing wonders! Listen to me, we know this guy! The reason his interest got fixated on you was because, somehow, he had managed to cross the lines of his fear of women, whether by a stroke of luck or something. If you doubt my words, I’ll prove it to you by asking that you tell us how you two met each other. It’s either you had made it easy for him or you literally wooed him, having found him what? Hot? Go on! Tell us how you two got together and think again on the manner of man you consider him to be. Hadn’t you made it too easy for him? Or, didn’t you woo him?

EDOMITESES

I simply received him as one should receive a stranger. He didn’t seem harmful. Didn’t seem threatening. Just simple and easygoing. I guess spending time with him regularly opened me up to his sweet side and my admiration of him got stirred. He didn’t necessarily woo me, so I couldn’t have made it easy for him. Neither did I woo him. As we kept warming up to each other, genuine affection sprung up and things escalated naturally. Hadn’t the romance of many lovers started that way?

MOABITESES

Exactly my point! Perhaps you didn’t make it easy for him, neither did you woo him. But something made it easy for him! What was that? Fate? Luck? Whatever! That doesn’t change a thing about who he was as at the time you two got together. Otherwise, why did he break up with you because you wouldn’t let him impose his belief system on you? Wasn’t he aware he was getting involved with an idol-worshiping lady when he got involved with you? Perhaps that was his only chance at ever getting romantically involved with a lady. So he seized the chance! Even at that, he was so full of himself to require that you lose your religion and adopt his. And where exactly did he hope for you both to practice this religion of his? In your own land? Where idol worshiping is the modus operandi? He foresaw himself starting a church and making you the Mummy G.O? He is a Christian, isn’t he?

-----

As infamous as that tends to be, it’s another laudable testimony about Dave from Liz’s perspective...her interest in him deepening, as she covets the rest of the details to make for her being informed on Dave’s personality, equating it with hers to determine compatibility, and perhaps, become privy to needful adjustments she could make to foster a smooth romantic union with him...while also noting needful adjustment she could point his attention to, which, when made, would likewise foster a smooth romantic union. After all, isn’t that what both party crave desperately at the moment? Just that Liz is more aware of Dave’s need for such union than Dave is of Liz’s need for it. So the details further relayed via the documentary begin to go beyond serving revelatory purpose to becoming a learning process for Liz, as she meticulously notes everything testified of Dave. So Dave actually attempted converting an idol-worshiping girl to a believer in Christ? Any possibility that--as averred by the Moabiteses, he foresaw himself starting a church and making her the Mummy G.O? Perhaps she’ll have to find that out from Dave himself. But how will she tell him she learnt of that?

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EDOMITESES

(Continue their defense)

Christians convert idol worshipers to Christians...same as idol worshipers convert Christians to idol-worshipers. It’s nothing new. It just so happened that I’m not the sort of idol worshiper that the Christian Dave could lure into Christianity. Perhaps some other Christian dude would achieve that feat on his first try. Perhaps Dave wasn’t convincing enough. But what I know about him is that he was no villain--as you’ve made him appear. Or maybe, like you said, things had gotten different by the time he got to us. Even our breakup was not dramatic. It was maturely actioned.

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Sidonian women, at this point, join the babble, their testimonies seeming to fall in line with that of the Edomiteses. They equally have a good report of Dave, considering him a loverboy whose only shortcoming revolved around his belief system, and Liz has had a lot to learn from it all. So Dave is a loving soul who, for some reason, can hardly court a girl’s attention to the point of her discovering the loveliness of his soul? He has a caring heart but can’t seem to warm up to a girl to the point of her discovering his heart to be a caring one? He can’t seem to bare his genuine feelings to a girl he admires because the words would elude his mouth if he attempted expressing those feelings? Even if a girl who’s drawn to him were to send him some signals that point to her romantic inclination towards him, he wouldn’t pick up those signals because, as he had earlier acknowledged, he’s a sucker when it comes to these things?

What else has Liz learnt about Dave? That he doesn’t wield the required masculine vibes that would make for sweet loving compromise on a girl’s part? And even when such loving has nothing to do with compromise, he still falls short in wielding the right vibes that would get a girl in the mood he wants her in per time? He can hardly even make a girl laugh? Poor sense of humor? Feeling entitled to a girl’s attention and affection as though he owns her? Always expecting a girl to make the first move? To literally just surrender her body to him for sexual intercourse whenever he wishes to have her in his bed? As though it’s an entitlement that shouldn’t be refused him for any reason whatsoever? What adjustments does she need to make to accommodate this not-so-enchanting Dave in her lovey-dovey endeavor?

All Liz would have to learn about Dave would come from the testimonies of the next two sets of women whose territories Dave had sailed through during his philandering. As stated earlier, the testimonies of the Sidonian women seem to fall in line with that of the Edomiteses while the Hittite women have the best of testimonies about Dave. As they take the stage to make their revelation about Dave, Liz tends to be riding on their words, aligning herself into becoming what would be the perfect girl for Dave, into birds of a feather that flock together excellently, into the two it takes to tango, and the first of those revelations to come from the Sidonians is that Dave is not a ladies’ man, not proactive towards women, though it is obvious how appealing he finds women and how much of an obliging acquaintance he is inclined to be toward them. The only downside to his inclination towards them is the sad fact that the same narrative could not be averred about those women he found appealing and inclined towards.

So Liz learns that--to have it going good and smooth with Dave, she would have to call to mind that, in the world of romance, there are two categories of people: lovers and players. She would have to call to mind the difference between the two--which is evidenced by their approach towards the mating game. While lovers keep it real, players keep it realer. So, while the heart craves a constant supply of the genuine affection of lovers, it tends to find the artful dreamy displays of players more appealing, hence the reason why lovers get played and players get loved. More so, lovers come straight-out with their feelings, seeming predictable, unchallenging, and somewhat jerky...such that one might be tempted to think of them as naïve and needy. But that’s what love does to lovers, right? Players, on the other hand, keep everything vague and suggestive. They can spend years playing the unpredictability game and come off really challenging. After all, they aren’t bound by passions that require reciprocation as a matter of urgency. Apparently, Dave doesn’t fall into the category of players...a realization that sweetens Liz’s inner man. Her seventh Romeo is really a lover? Not a player like her past six Romeos? Where had he been all along that she had to be played by rookie players who played her for goals that don’t count? When there was Dave who could have loved her all along and saved her from the mess made of her by those past six Romeos? Then again, hadn’t Dave been looking out for the likes of Liz who would have been loving him all along and saved him from touring the ladies’ world to incur those terrible woes that now account for his feebleness? Where had these two been? What had kept them apart all along? It’s a good thing their paths have now crossed and Liz is privileged to have a peek into the details of Dave’s past experiences with women...via dreamworld. It can only be wondered whether it would also take Dave a dreamy endeavor to get filled-in on Liz’s past and bitter experiences in the men’s world...especially with those sets of men she deemed as Romeos. And so commences Liz’s learning session as the Sidonians take the stage...her alignment thereof!

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SIDONIANS

If a lady’s heart finds the artful dreamy displays of players more appealing than the constant supply of the genuine affection of lovers, then such lady won’t be inclined towards the likes of the loving Dave. He is no player, as we know. Therefore, he comes out plain with his feelings, seeming so predictable, unchallenging, and jerky. Aren’t those the traits that a man possess--which gets ladies viewing them as losers? In a bid to let no one adorn him with the “loser tag,” he tends to shield those traits and keep them from being obvious, which is evidenced in what the Moabiteses consider as “fear of women” and what the Ammoniteses consider as “pride.” Why do women play “hard to get?” Do men not tag women who play hard to get as prideful? Aren’t some of them even considered as being afraid of the men who approach them for romance? But in truth, are those women really prideful and afraid of men? Hell no! In a bid to not come of as cheap or get cheapened, they maintain high standards and only warm up to men who have what it takes to go through the rigors that the female eagle puts the male eagle through--to court her attention and earn himself a mate. So, if Dave is careful to not come off as cheap or be cheapened, how does that amount to pride or fear of women? He should allow himself be cajoled by conceited drama queens who seek nothing but unmerited attention in order to prove himself a man? Who possess an irritating sense of entitlement? Who are filled with inflated ideas of delusional self-importance? Who leverage on concocted illusionary feminine qualities that give pleasure to male senses but blind the eyes to their predominant devilish demeanor? Who willfully derive devilish pleasure from unevenness? I, for one, had a sweet romance with Dave...until his belief system got in the way...like it did with his Edomite lover. If there’s one thing that flaws Dave in this whole charade, it is that belief system of his. He really should do something about that. Or perhaps, find himself a maiden who upholds the same belief system.

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It immediately dawns on Liz that--that vacuum is hers to fill...if she so wills. If she so wills? If she so wills? Well, it had always been Liz’s style to kill multiple birds with a single stone. It so happened that the single stone which she used to try to kill six birds (her past six Romeos) kept bouncing back to crush her to pieces. Seems like those past Romeos weren’t birds after all. But here’s Dave, an obvious love-bird, seemingly lost in the sky like a roaming dove, bringing to Liz’s mind a poem from yesterday which tends to depict Dave’s current situation.

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LIZ

In cloudy shadows of midnight skies,

A roaming dove aimlessly flies,

Though its wings grow weak, yet it tries,

To hold on till the wet land dries.

When will that be? Its faint heart cries,

But the answer’s silence wets its eyes,

Its much weariness produces much sighs,

And it only hopes that tomorrow never dies.

How did I make it this far into these skies?

How do I reach the heavens before the set sunrise?

For I am much afraid of how the sun’s heat fries,

And gravity calls to me, promising safety, but it lies.

Thinking much about how the victor thrives,

Found truths that cuts more than carving knives,

For the uncertain certainty has a price,

That can’t be paid up to twice or thrice.

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The Sidonians say lots more that make for Liz’s alignment in readiness for what would likely be a sweet romance with Dave...to escalate into deeper dimensions eventually, if they so will for such escalation to ensue. Liz learns from all the testimonies on Dave thus far that he has been so much of a lover but nothing of a player that would make for the sweetening of an affair with him. Even Liz admits that she, like many ladies, tend to find the artful dreamy displays of players more appealing than a constant supply of the genuine affection of lovers. But that’s a craving that comes with youthfulness. Liz is no youth, as it stands. All the same, her inclination towards the dreamy displays of players still remain...just that she now seeks to additionally afford her heart its craving for a constant supply of the genuine affection of a lover, and the means by which she seeks to achieve that feat is by inculcating the player traits into the already loving Dave; making a player and a lover out of one man. Genius idea, right?

So she begins to call to mind the traits she loved about her past six Romeos who played her, devising means by which to integrate those traits into Dave at the first chance she gets. As fate would have it, the last testifiers, the Hittiteses--with whom Dave had no philandering history, assume the stage to seemingly, miraculously, give voice to testimonies that serve as a roadmap for Liz in her bid to integrate the traits of a player into the loving Dave to make out of him her ideal man...while also making necessary adjustments on herself to render herself his ideal woman. And so, as if being privy to Liz’s intention to bring about that integration, the Hittiteses proceed with their testimony of Dave...how he had become more like an angel to reckon with by the time he got to them, how he was made to loosen-up from his uptightness, how he came to see things from the perspectives of others and not just his own perspective. So they begin!

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HITTITESES

Dave has been tagged proud, arrogant, demeaning, self-centered, and even afraid of women...all of which make for charges he’s been vindicated of. But there’s one trait we found Dave to possess, which none has made mention of. Did it elude you all that Dave is a terrible critic? Having toured the provinces of the Moabiteses, Ammoniteses, Edomiteses, and Sidonians to feed his vanity, he proceeded to our endearing Hittiteses to recite to us how much of a misfortune we are inclined to be towards a man who pitches his tent with us. Can you imagine that? So much has been said about his belief system, which, as has become observable, is the weapon he employs to shatter those who cross him as threats...or those he seeks to force into alignment, whatever that alignment may be for him. Can you imagine that Dave came to us as something of a repentant devil and was tutoring us on how Hittiteses caused grief to the very custodians of God’s everlasting covenant? Of how Esau, who unconcernedly despised his birthright, had gone ahead to grace his store of wives with Hittiteses to the detriment of his family? Further lecturing that Esau, seeing that the daughters of Canaan did not please his father Isaac, went ahead to take more pagan wives, one of those wives being a Hittite? You are not going to believe that he even cited scriptures to us to back his point. What was that scripture again ooo? Yes! Genesis 36:2--which he made us note down on papaer: “Esau took his wives from the daughters of Canaan: Adah the daughter of Elon the Hittite…”

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This impresses Liz all the more! But the Hittitesses have more to say! More to tell! More to reveal! More to bare! More to fill Liz in on--to make for the achievement of her goal towards Dave. So she listens! Pays keener attention! Set to make the best of the chance encounter!

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HITTITESES

Anyway, not less is to be expected from a broken fellow. Personally, we hold no grudge against Dave for his silly criticism of us, especially having now gotten to learn of what had been the extent of his brokenness when he got to us. But if he’s to ever settle in a loving affair with a lady whose boat he’ll successfully rock, the lady must be one who nurtures an intense liking for him to the point of stepping down from her high horse to proactively initiate a romantic endeavor with him without considering herself as lowering her standards or something of that sort. Otherwise, he might remain right where he is--as the Prince Charming who never gets to court the Princess’ attention and win her hand in marriage while his potential lover...

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Liz takes the remainder of the words out of the mouth of the Hittiteses, completing it thus: “while his potential lover remains right where she is like the Cinderella who never makes it out of mediocrity to royalty." That potential lover would be none else but Liz, and that’s not a feat she seeks to again add to her resume. So she begins to recount the proceeding words of the Hittiteses that would make for the roadmap to foster the integration of player traits into the loving Dave while likewise fostering necessary adjustments on her path to make for a most excellent compatibility with the version of Dave she seeks to mold...which would ultimately render both parties as ideal lovers for each other. So Liz, discovering Dave’s temperament to be phlegmatic primarily and choleric/melancholy secondarily, understands that Dave is least likely to be the life of the party...but can very well be a ball of fire behind the scene. But to break through Dave to experience his behind-the-scene groove, Liz must break down the wall of resistance that shuts Dave out of the real world while isolating him in his world of fantasy.

That means that if it takes a “hi” to initiate a romantic union with Dave, that “hi” would necessarily have to come from Liz...otherwise, she would have to stick around and hope on Dave to come through with that “hi,” which, according to the diverse testimonies about Dave, could take forever...except of course by a stroke of luck--Dave happens to come through with that “hi,” which is not in the least bit impossible. After all, say what, say what, anything can happen. Knowing fully well how much of an obliging acquaintance Dave is inclined to be towards a lady who warms up to him romantically, all it would take for Liz to make him her seventh and final Romeo would be to embrace the occasion and put their romantic miseries to an end. Again, knowing how appealing Dave finds ladies and how much of an obliging acquaintance he is inclined to be toward them, Liz has also learnt that the same narrative can’t be averred about the ladies he is inclined towards. What good riddance it would be for a lady’s narrative to finally be in tune with Dave’s! Is Liz likely to miss the shot at being that lady?

How about love language? Dave’s is apparent to Liz....as much as Liz’s is, but not to Dave. So, merely spending quality time with Dave--spiced up with lots of physical touch--would make for Liz’s narrative being in tune with Dave’s? What in the world would keep Liz from playing to Dave’s gallery in that regard? After all, isn’t that what would make Dave come to view her as his long-sought love-match who he wished would stem from the loins of a “man of the cloth?” Only that Liz doesn’t stem from the loins of such a man. Or, does she? Liz would have to understand that--as it has to do with Dave wielding the right vibes and cruise to put her in the mood for whatever per time, he may fall short--if the wall of resistance that shuts him out of the real world and keeps him isolated to his world of fantasy is not broken. She must understand that what accounts for his poor sense of humor, his feeling entitled to a girl’s attention and affection as though he owns her, his expectation of a girl to make the first move, his prospects for a girl to literally surrender her body to him for sexual intercourse whenever he wishes to have her in his bed--are tied to that wall of resistance that must be broken down!

What would make for the breaking down of that wall will either be Liz turning the table around and being manfully proactive towards initiating a romantic affair with Dave or being welcomingly responsive to Dave’s further advances towards her, being that he’s already gotten past mustering the required courage and confidence to score himself a date with her, which, incidentally, saw them treating each other to a drinking spree that’s landed them in the same bed, right next to each other, napping away the intoxication of the mixed liquor they drowned into their system. It’s just that, while Liz’s nap opens her up the other side of Dave, one can only wonder what Dave’s nap is opening him up to. Being that it’s under probability for there to be an insight into what Dave’s nap opened him up to, it is only hoped that--upon his awakening, Dave, if his nap opened him up to anything at all, would return the gesture by filling Liz in--on the details thereof--since it would be Liz to first fill Dave in on her dream because, how is she supposed to expect Dave to do so first when she can’t say if he dreamed or not? Or, if Dave dreamed, any chance that his excitement over what he dreamed would stir him towards sharing the details of his dream before getting to know that Liz also dreamed?

It now hinges on their awakening to learn of that, which is supposed to constitute the company of who? Any but theirs? An anticipating Liz gears up to cloth herself with right personalities that’d complement the phlegmatic Dave who doubles as a melancholy/choleric secondarily. She’s all set to become a romantic duo with Dave who prefer indoor grooves to even the most talked about outdoor events, though their secondary extroverted tendencies would lead them out there occasionally to catch the vibes and get the feeling--every now and then. Sweet, huh?

It’s already no news to Liz how sex-deprived Dave has been and how much of a sex-freak he is likely to seem towards a love-match, finally delivered to him on what seems like a platter of gold. If it is not too much to ask of Liz, wouldn’t that serve as an avenue to secure Dave for herself as her seventh and final Romeo? Especially given the Edomiteses’ testimony on Dave as having had his interest fixated on her and not diverting to another woman since the moment they got together? Hadn’t she testified of him as having been everything of faithful lover until he brought up that whole religion and belief system thing that saw them parting ways eventually? And, since Dave and Liz share the same belief system, is their religion likely to come between them? Will it not rather foster the bond they so crave? So, the query again: won’t Dave’s pictured inclination towards sex, given the extent of his deprivation in that regard, serve as an added avenue for Liz to secure him for herself as her final Romeo?

Liz begins to envision herself being the clingy girl she is by nature towards Dave, who, as she’s come to know, highly welcomes such clinginess. Just as Dave’s gossipy confidants had without restraint brought the planet up to speed on his enthrallment over the goddess-like daughters of men and his morbid desire to treat a fair portion of them to good intercourse, Liz’s past Romeos had accounted of her to diverse fellows as being irritably clingy. But that irritable clinginess is what will now amount to Dave’s primary love language. Isn’t that just interesting? So Liz doesn’t have to worry about coming off to a man as clingy anymore. All she needs do is be herself towards this loving Dave and see the lines fall in pleasant places for them. Hopefully, things may escalate eventually and transit to what? Holy matrimony? Well, that’s left for them! Just then, the last words of the presenter bring the documentary to an end.

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PRESENTER

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At that moment, Liz awakens to a snoring Dave who is still deep in slumber, still having the nap going good for him. On checking him out, she notices he’s down to his sleek underpants, looking all fagged out and exhausted from God-knows-what. Liz can’t even begin to imagine the possible events crossing her mind as having preceded their nap, accounting for Dave’s present state in that bed...until she casts a glance at herself to realize that even she--is down to her panties...no bra...just panties. Grabbing the bedsheet, she pulls it up and covers herself, then returns her stare to Dave, watching, examining, wondering how...how what? How he got so lucky to win himself the cookie on a first date? This same Dave who, in accordance with the testimonies of diverse women, would be the least likely to get that lucky? Was it luck? Fate? What? Did it even happen? Liz makes to confirm if it did really happen...and yes, indeed, it happened. What now? Await Dave’s awakening so she can fill him in on her dream about him? Or get all shy before him on account of his having gotten the cookie so what? Easily? Quickly? But she already knows better than fear that Dave will spite her over the incident.

If anything, won’t he consider it good riddance for things to have turned out that way between them? Only one way to find out...and that will be his awakening to material consciousness alongside Liz--who’s already up and patiently waiting. Then again, who but them will be privy to the details they’re bound to share with themselves upon Dave’s awakening? More so, How much longer is Dave’s nap likely to endure? Well, confident of the fact that nothing negative is likely to spring from Dave’s awakening, Liz lies back and begins to recollect the imageries of what, as earlier tagged, has come to be her best dream ever: a sort of “schoolgirl fantasy.” Would have been interesting to witness what would be Liz and Dave’s reaction towards each other upon Dave’s awakening to the reality of the situation. But as questioned before, now hinging on his awakening for that to happen, who but them will be privy to the details they’re bound to be share with themselves upon Dave’s awakening? Who but them?

FADE OUT:

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