MY WIFE'S DELICACY (COUPLE GOALS)

FADE IN:

INT. THE BOB’S - DAY

(DAMILOLA, BOB)

Scene opens on Damilola in her room, uncoordinatedly occupied with getting herself polished up for a short drive to the airport--where her cousin, Olamide’s plane is to touchdown not quite 30 minutes away. Her husband, Bob, is in the sitting room waiting. He was set for the short trip 30 minutes ago. As usual, he tunes to the “Food Network” channel on DSTV to catch up with the day’s episodes. For months now, he’s been trying to get his head around making his favorite American meals--since his Nigerian wife only feeds him diverse African “junks.”

-----

DAMILOLA

(Screams from her room)

Honey, just a few more minutes and I’m set, okay?

BOB

(Roles his eyes and mutters irritatingly)

You’ve been saying that for the past 30 minutes. But not to worry. Take all the time you need. It’s not my cousin who’s gonna be kept waiting at the airport after all. Best off, I think I’m finally getting a hang on how to make my mom’s recipe. Ooooshh! I should have spent more time with her in the kitchen like she always asked...cuz I now wouldn’t have to choke everyday on my wife’s Amala and...gosh!

DAMILOLA

(Asks suddenly from behind him)

Did you say something, darling?

BOB

(Startles as he turns)

No! No! God! No! You scared me! When did you get here?

DAMILOLA

Just now, dear. I thought I heard you say something.

BOB

Nah. It’s nothing. It was just, erm, you know, one of those silly mumbles.

(Changes topic)

Well, since you’re finally ready, we better get going. We don’t wanna keep your cousin waiting for too long. Something tells me he is already there and waiting.

DAMILOLA

Yeah, right.

BOB

You look ravishing though...like you’re gonna be meeting the Queen of England. A little overdressed for the occasion, if you ask me. It’s just a short trip to the airport.

DAMILOLA

Excuse me?

BOB

(Stammers through uncoordinated words)

You, erm, I, you know, you look like the queen of England. Yes! You do!

DAMILOLA

Thank you! Shall we be on our way now?

BOB

Hell yeah.

-----

The couple make their way out, as a chivalrous Bob opens and holds onto the door for his darling wife to step out most elegantly. He follows after her and shuts the door behind her.

FADE TO:

-----

INT. RESTAURANT - MOMENTS LATER

(OLAMIDE, DAMILOLA, KRISTY, BOB)

Bob watches dumbfounded, as his wife and Olamide rattle each other’s cages with utmost excitement. Damilola has not visited home since after her marriage to Bob a year ago. Her family misses her, especially her mom--who never bought into the idea of her marrying a “white man.” She sent a message through Olamide, pledging her undying support--should Damilola consider a divorce. This constitutes Damilola and Olamide’s rascally discussion (in vernacular) which gets the puzzling attention of others in the vicinity, including even Bob’s.

-----

OLAMIDE

Your mother wants to know why it’s taking you too long to realize that white men don’t make good husbands. Abi your hubby has used a white man’s charm on you?

DAMILOLA

That should upset me. But then, thinking about what you said, maybe my darling husband has used a charm on me. I mean, how do you explain this undying love for him after many years of marriage? Notwithstanding the familiarities and whatnot.

OLAMIDE

(Exclaims)

Ayemi!

DAMILOLA

It’s called LOVE. L...O...V...E... love!

OLAMIDE

Mtcheeew!

DAMILOLA

Hahaha. You should try falling in love, Olamide. You have a year and six months to run your Masters Degree program here. Don’t just study. Fall in love. If you ask me, I recommend you fall in love with a white lady. You’ve had enough dealings with black ladies and never fell in love with any. Try something with a white girl.

OLAMIDE

(Switches to English)

Over my dead body!

-----

All eyes fall on Olamide upon his loud utterance. The peoples’ puzzling attention get particularly fixated on him, including Bob’s, who seems a little embarrassed. Just then, a waitress approaches their table to take orders. She seizes Olamide’s attention effortlessly.

-----

KRISTY

Hello lady and gentlemen. Welcome to “The Royals Foods.” What can I get you?

-----

All heads raise to catch Kristy’s stare--which seems hypnotic, especially to Olamide who comes to a helpless standstill on beholding Kristy’s bright and fair countenance. She’s wow!

-----

BOB

(Thankfully)

I’ll have some Crispy Smashed Potatoes with Seafood Stew--sprinkled with a little bit of Indian salt. Kindly crown it up with a glass of lukewarm Champagne. Thanks.

-----

That gets Damilola’s attention....who turns to look puzzlingly at him.

-----

KRISTY

Got you! And you, ma’am?

DAMILOLA

I’ll have some Apple Pie. Thank you.

KRISTY

My pleasure. And you, sir?

-----

Kristy’s eyes meet a drooling Olamide, helplessly lost in deep thoughts, obviously overtaken by her astonishing beauty, his face beaming of clownish, near lustful admiration for the lady.

-----

DAMILOLA

(Smacks Olamide on the shoulder)

Egbon place your order!

-----

Olamide snaps out of his reverie, smiling sheepishly as he looks around, then back at Kristy.  He sort of braces up. Wearing a confident look, as he clears his throat and places his order.

-----

OLAMIDE

I’ll have some Amala and Ewedu.

KRISTY

(Puzzled)

Excuse me?

DAMILOLA

(Intercepts in Yoruba)

My friend this is the U.S, not Lagos! Don’t embarrass me, please! Order something foreign! I’ll make you Amala and Ewedu when we get home! Try to be civil abeeeg! 

OLAMIDE

(In Yoruba)

Something foreign like what? This is my first time here, remember?

DAMILOLA

(Exhaustingly)

Just order for a drink and some snacks!

OLAMIDE

(A thought crosses his mind. He turns to Kristy)

Pancakes and Coca Cola, please...

KRISTY

Coming right on.

OLAMIDE

And...

KRISTY

And what?

OLAMIDE

Your phone number.

-----

Olamide’s last request leaves Bob stunned, leaves Damilola marveled, and leaves Kristy thrilled. Olamide just grins. Kristy is stuck between being impressed and embarrassed.

FADE TO:

-----

EXT. THE BOB'S - MOMENTS LATER

(DAMILOLA, OLAMIDE, KRISTY)

As is their habit towards each other, Damilola and Olamide rattle each other’s cages while seated out in the garden to have some drinks. It’s relaxation and catching-up time for them.

-----

DAMILOLA

I thought you said you can only fall in love with a white lady over your dead body?

OLAMIDE

Come off it, Damilola. We don’t mean everything we say, do we?

DAMILOLA

I do! And please, I’ll appreciate if you address me as Mrs. Bob, not Damilola.

-----

Olamide gives Damilola a projected condescending look.

-----

OLAMIDE

(In Yoruba)

Mrs. Bob, right?

DAMILOLA

(In Yoruba)

Yes oo! That won’t be a problem for you, will it?

OLAMIDE

(Mocks)

Mrs. Bob ko, Bobbie Mrs. ni.

DAMILOLA

Hey, hey hey! Watch you’re tongue, Mr. Man! If that’s going to be a big deal for you, you can go get yourself a “Mrs.” you know...and I’ll show you how it’s done.

OLAMIDE

You bet I will!

-----

To follow through on his words, Olamide reaches for his wallet and retrieves a small piece of paper--which he stares at--most lovingly. Damilola watches him in mock curiosity. He asks to use Damilola’s phone since he still has his Nigerian SIM in his own phone. He punches in a phone number, obviously from the paper, and gets a voicemail feedback after some rings.

-----

KRISTY (V.O.)

You have reached Kristy Campbell’s voicemail. Please leave a message.

OLAMIDE

(Comports himself)

Hi Kristy. It’s the guy from the restaurant earlier today. I hope I’m not disturbing. Well, if I am, just know that I can’t help it. How about we meet? Like, tomorrow? Or next? Or next tomorrow? Whatever. Whenever. How about we just meet, and, you know... erm, have some drinks, talk, get acquainted, and, you know...bla-bla-bla.

-----

Scene fades on Olamide trying so hard to leave a good impression on his voicemail message while Damilola simply makes jest of the moment. Damilola wouldn’t be deterred by her jest.

FADE OUT.

-----

INT. THE BOB’S (DINNING ROOM) - EVENING

(BOB, DAMILOLA, OLAMIDE)

That evening, Olamide joins the Bob’s for dinner. The dinning table is graced with a variety of African meals, as Damilola seeks to leave a good impression on Olamide. It turns out she didn’t bring her husband’s feelings/interests into consideration. Or maybe she did. But the man is just weird. The sight of the food plasters an irritating look on Bob’s face. But the reverse is the case with Olamide--who obviously couldn’t have had it any better. Damilola just wishes that her would get past his irritation for African meals already! It’s tiring to her!

-----

BOB

(Disgustingly)

Honey, what’s this again?

DAMILOLA

It’s one of the most nutritious delicacies the world has ever known. Back in the days of slavery, our mothers served their white masters these meals. After eating, many masters turned their female slaves to wives. Soon enough, there were no female slaves anymore. Just males...and maybe females who couldn’t prepare these meals.

-----

Eyes fall on Damilola, everyone obviously doubting the authenticity of the seeming historical revelation. Olamide is particularly stunned, being that he ought to be privy to such history.

-----

OLAMIDE

You’re saying Bob popped the big question after you cooked him a meal like this?

DAMILOLA

Ode! Bob is no slave master! You hear? And I was no slave before he married me, you buffoon! Besides, these are liberated days. The days of slavery are long gone!

BOB

(Intercepts like a crybaby)

Then why still serve me these meals? I’ve told you time and again to cook me my mom’s recipe. Make me some Salad and Margarita and all those good stuff on TV!

-----

A jump shot to the TV which at the time is tuned to the “Food Network” channel on DSTV.

-----

DAMILOLA

C’mon Bob. You don’t seriously expect to be fed Salad everyday.

BOB

(With mild anger)

You know what I seriously don’t expect?

(Points to the table)

To be fed with any of these! For goodness’ sake, what are these?

-----

Bob storms off the dinning room, leaving Olamide most bewildered. He can’t imagine the irritation towards one of his favorite meals. Never had he met such “strange” man in his life!

-----

OLAMIDE

(Inquires sarcastically)

Is he alright?

-----

Just before Damilola gets to say a word, sounds of clattering utensils and broken glasses break forth from the kitchen. Olamide and Damilola look terrifyingly at each other, and then in the direction of the kitchen. The next sound to reach their ears is Bob’s screaming voice.

-----

BOB (O.S.)

Fuuuuuuuccccccccccckkkkkkk!

-----

Damilola hurries to the kitchen to see what’s wrong. Olamide sits back, confused.

CUT TO:

-----

KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

(BOB, DAMILOLA)

Bob is seen planted in front of an open refrigerator, almost in tears, as he sniffs the contents of the refrigerator. It’s richly graced with African delicacies and recipes of all sorts. But for some reason, the smell of them is offensive to Bob; too offensive that he sobs out of pitiable self-pity, almost nearing tears. As his provocation climaxes, he intensifies the curses right in front of the open refrigerator. It’s a caricature. It’s unbelievable how irritated he get by those recipes!

-----

BOB

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

-----

Just then, Damilola makes a “James Bond entrance” into the kitchen as though on a mission to rescue a chaotic world on the verge of sinking into the sands. Her entrance somewhat scares Bob, causing him to startle, even making to run into hiding. It’s just that there’s no where to run, except into the refrigerator. But the refrigerator is filled with Bob’s worst nightmares, leaving no space to accommodate anything else.....or anyone. Bob leans towards the open refrigerator, attempting to close himself into it. This happens in a split of seconds. Bob’s cowardly reaction leaves Damilola totally perplexed and mixed up, with curiosity in her eyes.

-----

DAMILOLA

Sweetheart, what’s going on?

BOB

(Defensively)

Why did you have to come at me like that? You scared me!

DAMILOLA

(Inquisitively)

Oh, you thought it was danger?

BOB

With you pulling a James Bond on me, what the hell was I supposed to think?

DAMILOLA

(Sarcastically)

And what exactly was gonna be your defense strategy? To hide in the refrigerator?

BOB

(Stammers, but still defensive)

Hide? Wha--? Refrigerator? You’ve got to be kidding me!

(Points to the refrigerator)

With these? Hell no! What are these things?

(Switches to crybaby mood)

I hate these things! Don’t cook me these things! Get them off my refrigerator!

-----

Bob hops away from the refrigerator as though he had made contact with feces. His crybaby expression of disgust for the content of the refrigerator is a caricature next to none. He finally storms off the kitchen. Damilola goes after him to pacify him. But he wouldn’t have any of it.

-----

DAMILOLA

(Endearingly)

C’mon dear. You don’t have to get like this. I’ll make you your mom’s recipe, okay?

BACK TO:

-----

DINNING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

(OLAMIDE, DAMILOLA, BOB)

Camera opens on the entrance to the dinning, putting the entire dinning table/area out of sight. Bob’s rants into view, Damilola following closely behind with pacifications. But as soon as both come into full view, they both freeze in shock, looking directly into the camera (the dinning). There’s suspense in the air, as they examine what just met their eyes. It’s Olamide. While Bob could afford to get dramatic over dinner, Olamide couldn’t. Plus, the food which was served Bob (that he despised) is Olamide’s favorite. Hence, he (Olamide) ignores what was served him and greedily ravages Bob’s food which is seen splashed all over his cheeks, chin, even nose. On seeing Bob and Damilola, he freezes comically, with a “not guilty” look.

-----

OLAMIDE

I’m sorry guys. I was hungry.

DAMILOLA

(Anger builds up)

You were what?

OLAMIDE

I was hungry.

DAMILOLA

And you ate my husband’s food? What happened to yours?

OLAMIDE

(Annoyingly)

Well, What you served your husband is my favorite meal, but you wouldn’t serve it to me too. And, since Bob wouldn’t have any of it, I figured it was mine to have anyway. As for my food, don’t worry about it. I’ll eat it too. It’s my second favorite.

DAMILOLA

Olamide, are you out of your mind or something?

BOB

(Angrily throws jab)

You’re damn right, he is! I bet this is the point where he would make you his wife instead of slave...if he was white of course...and if you weren’t married to a “whitie!”

DAMILOLA

Yes, of course! And if this was still the era of slave trade! You forgot to add that!

BOB

And that too!

OLAMIDE

Oh please, guys! Take it easy! You can quickly make him something else to eat. Something he loves. Something that has no bearing with marriage or slave trade.

BOB

(Brightens up)

Thank you!

OLAMIDE

(Pointing to the food remnants in Bob’s plate)

And please, make me some more of this too, pleeeaaassseeee.

-----

Damilola almost explodes. Bob couldn’t be more frustrated. His expression of that frustration is hyper comical. He storms away  in explosive anger. If Olamide was a kid, he’d get beat up!

-----

DAMILOLA

(In Yoruba)

What’s this about, Ola? Why eat my husband’s food while yours is here...uneaten?

OLAMIDE

(Annoyingly)

I already told you. You served him my favorite meal and served me my second favorite. And he even turned it down! I’m sorry. But I couldn’t help it. I even want some more, if you don’t mind. Please, I beg you, make me some more of this please!

-----

Damilola almost lands Olamide a slap, her hand withheld halfway, Olamide already taking cover. She manages to control her blazing rage, but looking all furious with heavy breathing.

-----

DAMILOLA

You know what? I don’t have your time now. I have to attend to my husband.

(Abruptly grabs him by the shirt)

But listen to me, you bloody glutton! Never put your filthy hands on my husband’s food ever again! You hear me? And I’m not even kidding right now! Don’t you ever!

-----

She tosses him away, gives him one last warning look, and heads off to meet Bob. Olamide can’t believe the fury. He watches in bewilderment as she walks off fiercely like Superwoman.

-----

OLAMIDE

I now see why your mom didn’t want you to marry a white man. No more ethics! No more manners! No respect! Bad influence! And God knows whatever else! Tufiakwa!

-----

Olamide then dismisses whole drama, returning to the dinning table and sitting on Bob’s spot. He picks Bob’s plate and drools, licking off the remnant of the food therein, obviously enjoyably, clownishly making a show of munching the food with exaggerated enjoyment.

FADE TO BLACK.

-----

EXT. ROAD - THE NEXT MORNING

(BOB, OLAMIDE)

Scene opens on Olamide on the passenger side of a car. The driver’s seat is empty. Olamide had asked that Bob drop him off at “The Royal Foods,” on his way to work, the restaurant where he met Kristy. Bob stopped by a mall to grab himself a Hamburger while Olamide waited in the car. Bob returns shortly. Hopping into the driver’s seat, he most excitingly grabs a bite of his Hamburger, his eyes closed in ecstasy, as he munches with great delight.

-----

BOB

You really don’t want one of this?

OLAMIDE

No, thank you.

BOB

You don’t know what you’re missing, bro.

(Shows him the Hamburger)

See this right here, it makes you feel reborn.

-----

Grabs another bite with exaggerated enjoyment, Olamide watching speechlessly.

-----

OLAMIDE

Uhm, I need to ask you something.

BOB

Definitely not this Hamburger.

OLAMIDE

Oh no! You can have all that......and mooorreee.

BOB

Excellent!

OLAMIDE

I need to ask you about Kristy.

BOB

(Freezes, curious, suspicious)

Who the hell is Kristy? You’re not making me cheat on my wife, are you? You’re not suggesting we go mess around with some nasty girl called Kristy, cuz that will be, you know, suicidal. You hear me? That would be suicidal? Hear me? Suicidal!

OLAMIDE

Suicidal?

BOB

Yeah.

OLAMIDE

I don’t mean to encourage such. But why suicidal?

BOB

I don’t know about this Kristy girl. But you know who I do know about? My wife! Your cousin! She only leaves me enough energy to last me through the day until I’m back in her arms all night...or should I say, “back in her legs.” So you see, if I go messing with some girl during the day when I’m supposed to be reinvigorating, I’ll go back home and won’t survive my wife through the night. So count me out, please!

OLAMIDE

(Obviously impressed)

Damn! She’s something else, isn’t she?

BOB

You bet! She just won’t cook me my mom’s recipe.

OLAMIDE

(Laughs)

Come off it, Bob. Isn’t it high time you made some kitchen adjustment? You know she ain’t gonna give up trying to make you love all that “junk” you loath so much.

-----

As Olamide goes on to list the junks, the thought of it--repels Bob--such that he squeezes his face in irritation, asking Olamide to pleeeaaasseee stop! He almost chokes on his Hamburger.

-----

OLAMIDE

(Speechless for a moment)

Well then, back to the Kristy girl.

BOB

(Roles his eyes)

Not again!

OLAMIDE

Chill bro! I’m not asking you to get suicidal or something. Remember the girl at the restaurant the day I got here. The one who tended to us tenderly and welcomingly?

BOB

(Jumps into thoughts briefly)

Oh yeah. What about her?

OLAMIDE

She’s Kristy.

BOB

Oh, I see.

OLAMIDE

And I’m in love with her.

BOB

Really? That’s cool! She loves you too?

OLAMIDE

(Gets emotional)

That’s the problem. We’ve been talking on phone for sometime now. I want to drop by the restaurant unannounced, a surprise visit. Women love surprises, don’t they?

BOB

Not as much as they love promises.

OLAMIDE

I fear she might give me the cold shoulder. You know, she’s white. I’m black. 

BOB

(Intercepts)

Bullshit! I’m white. Your cousin is black. Last time I checked, we’re married.

OLAMIDE

Exactly my point! That’s why I brought this up...so you can give me some heads-up on how to go about winning Kristy’s heart. Surprises, promises, marriage, whatever!

BOB

(Like a legendary love doctor)

That ain’t gonna be hard.

(Shows his half-eaten Hamburger to him)

Just get her one of this.

OLAMIDE

C’mon Bob. I’m being serious here.

BOB

(Most confidently)

No kidding bro. I’m being serious too. Get her one of this, and a flower.

OLAMIDE

(Curiously thinks it through for a moment)

That’s how you got my cousin?

BOB

(Laughs)

Hell no. Hers was a different ball game.

(Leans forward as if to whisper to him)

I promised to bring her to the U.S.

-----

Mischievous laughter builds up, both men pointing fingers ridiculously at each other.

-----

BOB

(Comically)

I know, right?

-----

The mock laughter turns hysterical within seconds. Both men laugh their asses out, comically to a point where they unintentionally expel gas. The expulsion of gas brings an abrupt pause to the laughter, both men observing each other suspiciously, then bursting into another round of laughter until Bob kick-starts the car and gets it moving.......still amidst hysterical laughter.

FADE TO:

-----

INT. RESTAURANT (MONTAGE) - MOMENTS LATER

Olamide steps in into the restaurant looking like a real gentleman. He has a pack containing Hamburger in one hand and a flower on the other hand. He looks around for Kristy--who he sees at a corner, busy with uncoordinated sales documentation. He approaches her. Kristy is quite surprise on seeing him there, and there’s this cordial flow between them....until he presents her the Hamburger and the flower. She’s unbelievably lit up like a thousand stars!

FADE TO:

-----

EXT. BEACH (MONTAGE) - MONTHS LATER

There’s now romance between Olamide and Kristy. It gets all lovey-dovey within weeks. Weeks turn to months. And months turn to a year plus. Their romantic tour progresses from Chinese restaurants to Cinemas, to weekend drive-adventures, etc., and now to beach. Kisses, hugs, chase games, among other romantic amusements make up their timeout at the beach. Kristy feeds Olamide some foreign snacks which he loathes but can’t bring himself to reject. He’s obviously irritated as he consumes them helplessly but trying hard to hide his irritation from Kristy who apparently, is enjoying every bit of the moment. It continues sweetly until....

CUT TO:

-----

INT. THE BOB'S (TOILET) - MOMENTS LATER

(DAMILOLA, OLAMIDE, BOB, KRISTY)

Scene opens on Olamide puking disturbingly into the toilet, pitiably restless, seeming like one who could pass out any moment. Damilola is right there beside him, comforting him, extremely puzzled as to what could have caused Olamide such bizarre internal discomfort.

-----

DAMILOLA

Olamide, can you at least tell me what’s going on? What did you eat out there?

OLAMIDE

(Gasping)

That’s the problem.

DAMILOLA

What do you mean by “that’s the problem?”

OLAMIDE

(Still gasping)

That’s the problem! I don’t know what I ate! I was playing love with Kristy oo. She got this.....I don’t know what that was. But she fed me with them. I wanted to say “no.” But I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. So I ate them. I didn’t like the taste. I didn’t also know it would result in stomach upset and constipation. I feel like I coul..

-----

Just before he completes the statement, puke erupts from his stomach all the way to his throat and he just has to quit talking and puke into the toilet. Damilola mocks, not really concerned.

-----

DAMILOLA

(Laughs so hard)

Wonders shall never end. And people will never be tired of seeing wonders.

OLAMIDE

(Gasping like a near-dead man)

This is not the time for your silly games. Can’t you see I’m dying?

DAMILOLA

(Amidst mock laughter)

Don’t die in my house o! Don’t even try it! This serves you right! Shebi I served my husband his food and you ate it? You didn’t know they will be consequences? Isn’t karma such a biiitttccchhh? Next time you will learn to look before you take a leap!

-----

Olamide pukes hard into the toilet once more, vibrating like an epileptic about to slump irredeemably. For the first time, the seriousness of the situation hits Damilola. She snaps!

-----

OLAMIDE

(Scared)

Don’t die oo! Don’t die! I’m getting you some drugs now. Just hold in there!

-----

She hurries off to get the drugs while Olamide struggles to live long enough for her to return.

CUT TO:

-----

PARLOR - CONTINUOUS

(BOB, KRISTY)

Seated in the parlor--are Bob and Kristy. Kristy had come home with Olamide to see Bob and Damilola. But not long after they were settled in the sitting room, Olamide felt puke running up his throat and had dashed to the toilet. Noticing his strange exit, Damilola had joined him inside shortly after, leaving Bob and Kristy in the sitting room. The two white fellows seemed to have been catching up just fine--judging from their sweet laughter that ushers in the scene.

-----

BOB

You’re kidding, right?

KRISTY

Trust me, I don’t kid.

BOB

It sure looks to me like you just kidded.

-----

Hysterical laughter follows.

-----

KRISTY

So, tell me, how did you end up with a black beauty anyway?

BOB

Ooooh, long story.

KRISTY

Well, since Mr. Loverboy brought me here and bailed out on me without excuse, I’m all ears...at least until he’s back. I’m just curious as to how your ring got to her.

BOB

Uhm, okay then.

BACK TO:

-----

TOILET - CONTINUOUS

(DAMILOLA, OLAMIDE)

Scene opens on Damilola hurrying back with some drugs which she hands over to Olamide with a glass of water. He swallows them exhaustively while Damilola watches pitiably. She flushes the toilet and closes the cover, urging Ola to seat for a bit, relax, and catch some air.

-----

DAMILOLA

Sit down here and relax yourself.

OLAMIDE

(Vulnerably, humbly, almost childlike)

Thank you.

BACK TO:

-----

PARLOR - CONTINUOUS

(BOB, KRISTY)

Bob is still filling Kristy in--on how he got to end up with an African (Nigerian) wife.

BOB

Her mom never liked me. She said I’m white. That I’d take her daughter away and she’ll never see her again. That her grandkids will never get to know her. She said lots of stuff that could’ve ruled out the marriage. Want to know what else she said?

KRISTY

Indulge me.

BOB

That I definitely won’t make strong kids since I probably have a small penis and would never satisfy her voracious daughter in bed. I don’t know why she thought I’ve got small penis! So it takes satisfying her daughter in bed to make strong kids?

-----

Kristy covers her mouth with both hands as she laughs it out with eyes popped open in amazement. Then she gets curious...hungry for details that will feed her curiosity fully.

-----

KRISTY

(Uncertainly)

Uhm, how about that, though?

BOB

How about what?

KRISTY

Your mother-in-law’s fears.

BOB

You mean not satisfying my wife in bed?

KRISTY

(Dismissively)

Maybe.

BOB

Well, she satisfies me quite all right. A little too much satisfaction right there. Oosh!

KRISTY

(Marveled)

You don’t say!

BACK TO:

-----

TOILET - CONTINUOUS

(DAMILOLA, OLAMIDE)

Damilola observes, as Olamide seems to recuperate.

DAMILOLA

Feeling better now?

OLAMIDE

(Nods)

Yeah. It’s been quite a long evening. I need to get back there and get this over with.

DAMILOLA

You’re sure you still want to go ahead with that? I mean, look what just happened. There’s going to be more, you know. You don’t want to get yourself embarrassed.

OLAMIDE

You’re right. But like our people say:

(Gets all macho)

“Something must kill a man. And a man must die.”

DAMILOLA

(Intercepts disgustingly)

Ogbeni shut up there!

(Mimics him)

Something must kill a man and a man must die.

(Switches back to normal)

This small one that she gave you to eat, you almost died in my toilet. Is it when she starts feeding you with them perpetually that you won’t just kukuma go to hell fire?

OLAMIDE

(Throws jab)

Happens to your husband all the time but he’s still alive. So I have hope.

DAMILOLA

(Claps back defensively)

Something is wrong with your head! Ode!

Aggressively takes the glass from him and makes to storm off in unjustified annoyance.

OLAMIDE

Come on, Dami. I need your support now more than ever.

DAMILOLA

(Halts, turns)

You need my support now more than ever? How? I should go and propose to her for you? I should falsely assure her that you won’t be such an ass of a husband? Or that you won’t be puking the meals she puts a lot of time into preparing for you? You know what? Just let this girl go. I made a mistake to advise that you try things out with a white girl. My bad! Just go get yourself an Amala and Ewedu cooking lady!

OLAMIDE

(Gets emotional)

You don’t understand. I love Kristy. I love her sooo much, I can’t do without her.

DAMILOLA

(Mockingly)

Says a man who vowed to only date a white lady over his dead body. You may not have been wrong anyway....because I see death coming from this loooovvvveeeee...

BACK TO:

-----

PARLOR - CONTINUOUS

(BOB, KRISTY, OLAMIDE, DAMILOLA, BOB & OLAMIDE)

Scene opens on Bob and Kristy amidst hysterical laughter.

BOB

Well, here’s one thing I know. He’ll certainly burst your bubbles.

KRISTY

Like dropping by with a Hamburger and flowers? Hell, that was weird!

BOB

(Mischievous smile)

I know... I know.

FLASHBACK TO:

-----

Bob flashes back on the moment he advised Olamide to get Kristy a Hamburger and flower. Turns out his motive wasn’t right. He was getting back at him for having eaten his own food.

-----

OLAMIDE

Exactly my point! That’s why I brought this up...so you can give me some heads-up on how to go about winning Kristy’s heart. Surprises, promises, marriage, whatever!

BOB

(Like a legendary love doctor)

That ain’t gonna be hard.

(Shows his half-eaten Hamburger to him)

Just get her one of this.

OLAMIDE

C’mon Bob. I’m being serious here.

BOB

(Most confidently)

No kidding bro. I’m being serious too. Get her one of this, and flowers.

A close shot on Bob captures a mischievous look on Bob’s face, as he takes a bite of his Hamburger. He’s gotten his pound of flesh. His thoughts at that moment is then heard.

BOB (V.O.)

You bloody douche bag! That’s the kind of advice you get for putting your filthy hands on food my wife made for me. Now she’s gonna take you for the weirdo that you are, and I don’t see that smart girl wanting anything to do with a weirdo. Haha.

BACK TO:

-----

Kristy knocks Bob out of his reverie.

-----

KRISTY

You know, for some reason, I loved the combo.

BOB

(Curious)

Yeah. For some reason, you loved it. I wonder what that reason could be.

KRISTY

I don’t know. Maybe I was hungry. And I loooovvee Hamburger. And I loooovvvee flowers too. You know what else I loved? You are not going to believe I loved that!

BOB

Tell me.

KRISTY

How he asked for my number! Ordering it like it was on the menu! Who does that?

BOB

A weirdo, I guess.

KRISTY

Hahaha. Or a hopeless romantic.

BOB

Oh, now I see what’s going on here. You’re in looovvveee!

Kristy seemed not to have realized it until Bob brought it to her notice. Mentioning it seems to reconcile her fantasy to reality, and she sort of jumps into thoughts as though to verify the truth in Bob’s words. Just then, Olamide and Damilola rejoin them...but they remain standing.

DAMILOLA

Oh guys, sorry we were gone for too long. It was a matter of life and death.

Olamide startles, amazed at how Damilola would readily sell him out like that....if he lets her. In a bid not to let her, he intercepts funnily, seemingly controlling the damage coordinately.

OLAMIDE

Oiin! I say oiin! Guys, don’t mind this my sister jor! That’s how she flips sometimes.

KRISTY

Ola, is everything alright? You seem dejected but trying to look cheerful.

DAMILOLA

(Mischievously)

You got that right, girl!

Concerned about him, Kristy rises and moves to Olamide in a very loving manner, speaking to him most lovingly as well. She wraps her arms around his neck as she examines his mood.

KRISTY

C’mon my handsome gorilla. You don’t have to be like this. Tell me, what’s up?

DAMILOLA

(Intercepts mischievously)

Yeah, what’s up?

Olamide almost loses it but manages to keep his temper in check. Looking somewhat furiously at Damilola, he returns his gaze to Kristy who has the “talk to me” look on her face. Olamide looks down like a shy kid who can’t face women. Before long, he pulls a wedding ring from his pocket, smiles sheepishly, as he kneels to propose to Kristy. But as he kneels, one of his knees crush in on Kristy’s big toe and she screams out in pain, retreating from him as she curses.

KRISTY

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! You crushed my big toe!

Everyone rallies around Kristy to calm her down. It looks like a bad omen. Kristy sits, Bob and Damilola on her both sides. Olamide is right in front of her, still on his knees, looking pitiably awkward. Soon enough, Kristy’s pain is gone, and she gives Olamide a sort of “I don’t know what to do with you” look. Olamide reciprocates with a sorry look on his face, adorably.

OLAMIDE

I’m sorry Kristy. All I meant to do was to, to, to ask you to, to marry me.

DAMILOLA

(Intercepts mischievously)

Awwwwwnnn. So sweeeeeet. Say NO!

BOB & OLAMIDE

What?

DAMILOLA

(Dismissively, but still mischievous)

Haha. Just joking guys. Someone cannot play with you people again?

(To Kristy)

But erm, you could still say no, you know.

-----

Bob seems to wear the “that wouldn’t be too bad” expression. Olamide just doesn’t know what to do with Damilola. Kristy just laughs and enjoys the attention. Olamide’s hands shake from holding out the engagement ring for so long. He even sweats! Kristy soon comes to the rescue.

-----

KRISTY

Yes baby. Yes, I’ll marry you.

-----

Jubilation in the air: hugs, light kisses, congratulatory handshakes, and whatnot. The moment climaxes on Olamide and Kristy hugging and pressing their lips against each other’s in a kiss. It’s a deep kiss. But then, Kristy draws back abruptly, moving her tongue within her mouth to extract stuff from her mouth. She’s unsure what it is. It’s leftover puke from Olamide’s mouth! Olamide and Damilola know too well what it most likely is. It’s an awkward moment: Olamide looks embarrassed, Damilola conceals a mischievous smile, Bob is lost, while scene fades on Kristy initiating what looks to be an inevitable puke process. Who wouldn’t puke from that?

FADE TO BLACK.

-----

I/E. WEDDING PREMISES (MONTAGE) - WEDDING DAY

Scene opens on random wedding shots of Olamide and Kristy with several groups of attendees, ranging from families to friends, to associates, etc. Kristy had said yes to Olamide.

CUT TO:

-----

INT. ROOM - WEDDING NIGHT

(OLAMIDE, KRISTY)

Scene opens on Olamide and Kristy wildly getting each other’s clothes off to consummate their union with the wedding night business. They come off as having been so sex-starved all their lives...and naïve too, as getting off each other’s clothes proves to be a hard nut to crack. It’s a funny sight to behold. Just when they seem to be heading towards success, a rumble in Kristy’s stomach brings the process to a halt, leaving Olamide hanging with anxious curiosity. Before he can inquire to know what’s up with her, she swiftly withdraws from him and runs off to the toilet. She had some African delicacies to eat earlier on. Olamide quickly went after her, stopping just outside the toilet door to ask if she’s alright. As he leans towards the door to hear what going on inside, he hears the sounds of poo flowing violently out of her system.

OLAMIDE

Honey, everything okay in there?

KRISTY (O.S.)

(Expressing pain)

Oh my God, I’m having it rough here! My ass is on fire!

-----

Another batch of violent poo flows out of her system again, leaving her screaming out loud.

-----

OLAMIDE

(Anxiously)

Anything I can do to help?

KRISTY

Yes! Why not start by telling me about that red peppered meat your mother brought you from home? I’ve never had something like that before, and I kinda get the feeling it’s responsible for what I’ve been going through for the past one hour.

OLAMIDE

(With pleasure)

Oh, that? It’s called KILISHI, a specialty of our Northern brothers. I particularly love it for the quantity of pepper lavishly poured into it . It sets the mouth on fire!

KRISTY

I noticed. And now it’s setting my ass on fire!

CUT TO:

-----

INT. HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS

(OLAMIDE’S MOM, DAMILOLA’S MOM)

While Olamide and Kristy have a hard time consummating their marital union, Olamide and Damilola’s moms, who had travelled to the U.S for the wedding party, hold a private meeting.

OLAMIDE’S MOM

I don’t know what my son sees in that kpalasa white girl oo. Even with my rich persuasive skills, I couldn’t talk him out of marrying her. He kept telling me that he is in looovvveee with her. Can you imagine this children? He’s in love with her?

DAMILOLA’S MOM

Is that not the same thing my daughter told me when I advised her against marrying that Oyibo man? Imagine her telling me that she cannot live without him.

(Exclaims in Yoruba)

So he has now become assistant God or deputy Jesus that she can’t live without? Ordinary Oyibo ooo! What if he was from China? She would have disowned me!

OLAMIDE’S MOM

I don’t doubt you at all. You know our people like “made in China” goods too much that we don’t value Nigerian products again. So imagine what would have happened if she had married a Chinese man that would have been making everything for her in China? This one that she married sef, where is he even from?

DAMILOLA’S MOM

My dear, do I know? She said: Pencil... Pensyl... Pennsyl...va...nia...

OLAMIDE’S MOM

Pencil kwa? How can somebody come from Pencil?

DAMILOLA’S MOM

(Initiates cry)

Ask me o! Ask me! Shey you see what my daughter has brought upon me? You see?

OLAMIDE’S MOM

(Joins the crying spree)

It’s not only you oo. My son too has decided to follow your daughter’s footsteps! If I had known, I would not have allowed him come here to stay with your daughter oo.

-----

Damilola’s mom ceases crying, as anger initiates. Meanwhile, Olamide’s mom seems to be gearing towards crying her heart out. But Damilola’s mom rebukes her for pushing blames on Damilola and vindicating her son, Olamide. A comical quarrel ensues between both moms.

BACK TO:

-----

INT. ROOM (MONTAGE) - CONTINUOUS

Olamide and Kristy are reestablished. Kristy is beyond dejected, noticeably shaking off Olamide whenever he attempts comforting her. She blames him for her condition. On short intervals, she is seen rushing to the bathroom to take a shit. Olamide always follows after her. They’d return to the room and she’d again rush to the bathroom. The process continues until:

FADE TO BLACK.

-----

INT. ROOM - THE NEXT MORNING

(KRISTY, OLAMIDE, BOTH MOMS)

Scene opens on Olamide and Kristy in bed, Kristy in his arms, still looking somewhat refreshingly dejected, as refreshingly dejected as one would be after a bad night’s sleep. Her only solace was Olamide’s loving arms. Meanwhile, there’s frustration on Olamide’s face.

-----

KRISTY

It’s not your fault, you know.

OLAMIDE

I think it is. I should have known it would get to that. I mean, I suffer the same thing each time I eat some of your food. But I’m usually to ashamed to admit that.

KRISTY

(Surprised)

You do?

OLAMIDE

Yes baby.

KRISTY

You never mentioned it to me.

(Jumps into thoughts)

Wait a minute... all those stuff I’ve been feeding you all these while, you’ve been...

OLAMIDE

(Intercepts)

Exactly!

KRISTY

(Downcast)

Oh no!

A knock on the door gets their attention.

KRISTY

(Inquires)

Did you call for room service?

OLAMIDE

No, I didn’t.

KRISTY

Then who...

OLAMIDE

(Intercepts)

Shhhhhhhh!

-----

Olamide jumps off the bed and pulls his belt off his trouser to use as a defensive weapon against the supposed danger on the other side of the door. Kristy finds him ridiculous. She approaches him like a mom about to discipline a dull child. She can’t believer her eyes!

-----

KRISTY

(Snatches the belt from him)

Give me that!

OLAMIDE

(Reaches out to get it back)

No! Give it back! It could be bad guys!

KRISTY

(Unbelievably)

Are you kidding me? Is this supposed to be some action movie or something?

The knock on the door intensifies. Kristy dismisses Olamide and goes on to get the door. Olamide follows cautiously behind. As Kristy pops the door open, low and behold, there stands Damilola, her mom, and Olamide’s mom. Olamide’s mom has a load of Kilishi stacked inside old Nigerian newspapers with Tinubu’s picture while Damilola’s mom has a load of Suya garnished with fresh onions, fresh tomatoes, and what looks like a truckload of pepper. A jump shot to the visitors waiting in readiness to get all dramatic the moment the door pops open. It is obvious that they are up to something. The big moment soon comes. As soon as Kristy opens the door, Damilola and Olamide’s moms stretch out their arms in presentation of the supposed priceless edibles to the newly wedded couple...expecting them to warm up to it.

-----

BOTH MOMS

(In high spirits)

Surprise!

-----

Kristy gets slowly dispirited on setting eyes on the edibles. She seems to be falling into a faint. Olamide notices from behind screams out loud. He comes to what looks like the rescue.

-----

OLAMIDE

(Screams)

No! No! No!

-----

Before anyone can say J.A.C.K, Kristy falls to a faint, Olamide holding her from behind to prevent her from slamming on the floor. Both moms are beyond bewildered. Even Damilola, who was on there with both moms, can’t seem to wrap her head around the strange occurrence. Everyone is at a total loss...except Olamide who knows exactly what is going on with his wife.

-----

OLAMIDE

(Breaks out in comic tears)

Baby no! No! Come back to me! I don’t want to be a widower just yet. Come baacckk!

FADE TO BLACK.

-----

EXT. LAGOS - YEARS LATER

(OLAMIDE’S MOM)

A cell phone comes into view, as a finger is seen sliding through pictures of Olamide along with Kristy and three little cute girls between the ages of one and four. It’s Olamide’s family. He has three daughters and is now fully settled in the United States like Damilola. As the pictures slide through one after another, sighs upon sighs are heard from the one wielding the phone. It turns out it’s Olamide’s mom going through her son’s picture gallery on Facebook.

-----

OLAMIDE’S MOM

(Soliloquizing)

Mtcheeew! Happy family indeed! Where is the happiness here? Three good times and he could not land a male child. Yet he has the mind to be telling me he has a happy family. Shebi this is what that white woman has caused! Three white witches!

CUT TO:

-----

INT. OLAMIDE’S HOME - CONTINUOUS

(KRISTY, OLAMIDE, OLAMIDE’S MOM)

Olamide and Kristy are having a swell time in the sitting room of their matrimonial home. Kristy seems to have learned how to speak Pidgin English, though not so good at it. At every turn, she practices by treating Olamide to Pidgin English challenge. It’s usually romantic!

-----

KRISTY

(With English ascent)

O’boy see, you see dis house wey we dey so? If you do anyhow, you go see anyhow!

OLAMIDE

See dis yeye manchee oo. You know who you dey follow talk? C’mon disembark from that careless capping! See oo! Better disembark from that capping before I...

KRISTY

(Intercepts curiously)

Wait! Didn’t you say it’s only cult guys that use that particular line you just used?

OLAMIDE

Oh yeah?

KRISTY

And you just used it?

OLAMIDE

Oh yeah?

KRISTY

Were you one of them?

OLAMIDE

Oh c’mon! Of course not. Anything to win the Pidgin English challenge, remember?

KRISTY

(Relieved)

Yeah. But it sort of scared me.

OLAMIDE

Hahaha. That only means one thing.

KRISTY

What?

OLAMIDE

I won. I won again.

KRISTY

You cheated, you ass hole! You used intimidation tactics!

OLAMIDE

Anything to win the game, baby.

-----

Olamide’s phone rings and intercepts the fun.

-----

OLAMIDE

(Checks the caller out)

Oh, it’s my mom.

(Takes the call)

Hello mom.

OLAMIDE’S MOM

(Cuts in aggressively)

Abeg, abeg, abeg! I don tire for your English. No be you be first person wey travel go abroad. You hear me so? No be you be first person wey travel go abroad. Haba!

OLAMIDE

Mama, weting come be the wahala nau? Why you dey halla me like dis?

OLAMIDE’S MOM

When you want born boy? Ehn? When? All those kpalasa girls wey dat Americana don born give you so, dem no be pikin oo. Na boy be real pikin. Hope you know so?

OLAMIDE

Mama, you don start again oo! You don start!

OLAMIDE’S MOM

I bin don tell you mek you no marry dat mami water woman, you no gree hear! Now see! Her belle no fit carry original pikin! Na so-so mami water she dey born! Three!

-----

Kristy, seated right next to Olamide, hears Mama’s end of the conversation, no thanks to the loud volume of Olamide’s phone’s earpiece. As Olamide makes to call his mom to order, Kristy loses it and grabs the phone from Olamide to give her mother-in-law a piece of her mind. She has had to deal with it for years. Now she can’t take it anymore. So she addresses it squarely!

-----

KRISTY

Mama wetin come be your own! Ehn? Wetin come be your own?

-----

A jump shot to Mama’s end captures her eyes popping out in surprise. She’s shocked to hear Kristy speaking Pidgin English, not to mention challenging her with it like an agbero lady.

-----

KRISTY

No be wetin your pikin put for my belle wey I born for am? Ee don put boy for my belle and I no born boy for am? Wetin be your own? You even call my pikin dem mami water! Mama, if person talk like that with your pikin, you go like am? I no gbadun dat kain talk oo! Better disembark from all those kain careless capping oo!

-----

Olamide is beyond surprise at this point, his eyes pops wide out, as he watches Kristy with utter amazement. Kristy tosses the phone at him and walks off. Olamide reluctantly gets back on the phone with his mom--who by now has lost all guts, no thanks to Kristy wild outburst!

-----

OLAMIDE

Mama?

-----

No answer.

-----

OLAMIDE

Mama?

-----

No answer.

-----

OLAMIDE

Mama?

OLAMIDE’S MOM

(Sounding defeated)

My pikin.

OLAMIDE

No vex join the way my wife tek reason you just now. I dey so sorry. Na just say...

OLAMIDE’S MOM

(Intercepts, still sounding defeated)

Na just say you teach am Pidgin English mek she for use am show me shege because say I want mek una born boy. You don win, my pikin. She don show me original shege. She show me shege sotey I no fit shout again. Una well-done oo.

OLAMIDE

Mama, no be like dat.

OLAMIDE’S MOM

The time wey you use teach am Pidgin English, like say you use dat time well with am for the other room, na so-so boys una for don born. But as you use am teach am Pidgin so, strength no come dey again to perform mek una for born boy. You come weak sotey na so-so weaker vessels you dey born. Hope dey again to born boy so?

OLAMIDE

Mama, no forget say you be woman oo. No worry. I go born boy before next year finish. No just worry yourself! Shey na grandson you want? You go get grandson!

OLAMIDE’S MOM

I believe you my pikin. As I no get choice again, no be to dey believe you like dat?

OLAMIDE

Mama nawa for you oo.

OLAMIDE’S MOM

Mek una begin try see how una want do am. But ehn, tell dat your wife say that shege wey she show me today, the day wey I go tek eye see am, I go show am part two of the shege. Dis one na just part one. Mek she ready dey wait for return match!

-----

She hangs up! Olamide examines his phone to be sure she hung up. He worries about her words and jumps into thoughts briefly. He soon snaps and heads inside to meet his wife.

-----

OLAMIDE

(Sternly)

Kristy! Kristy!

KRISTY (O.S.)

(Angrily)

No dey halla my name anyhow for dier! If you do anyhow, you see anyhow! I swear!

Olamide can’t believe his ears!

FADE TO BLACK.

-----

INT. THE BOB'S (TOILET) - NIGHT

(BOB, DAMILOLA)

Bob is seated pants down on the toilet, tears flowing expressly down his cheeks as he cries his eyes out before Damilola who is seated on the floor right in front of him...cheering him up.

BOB

(Deeply tearful)

How long will it take you to understand that my system will never accept these meals you try to force into it? They may make the world go round for you, and especially that cousin of yours. But me? They poison me! You must promise to never make them for me anymore, else, I’ll die one day and leave you a widow!

-----

Fear grips Damilola, as she jumps into thoughts briefly. She soon snaps back to reality, and an apparent change is noticed in her. Bob’s depressing words just struck a major chord in her.

-----

DAMILOLA

I can’t afford to become a widow.

BOB

(Like a crybaby in pain)

But you are--if you don’t quit forcing me to eat your local meals. I’ll just die!

DAMILOLA

God forbid! Not now. Not now that our family is about to be complete.

Those words strike a chord in Bob, and he gathers himself, gets his shit together, becoming inquisitive. Damilola gives him an endearing look. It’s obvious she’s got good news to break!

BOB

What does that mean?

DAMILOLA

I’m pregnant, sweetie. I’m finally pregnant.

BOB

(Surprise)

What?

DAMILOLA

I’m pregnant, sweetie.

BOB

(Joyful)

Ooohh, this is good news!

DAMILOLA

Doctor says it’s a set of twins!

-----

The tears of pain that flowed freely down Bob’s cheeks turn to tears of joy. It’s been years of marriage without a child. And now, his wife is pregnant. Doctor even says it’s a set of twins!

-----

BOB

I can’t believe I’m getting the best news of my life in a toilet.

-----

Damilola looks him in the eye--trying to conceal her urge to laugh out loud at the statement, being that she is sort of responsible for him getting the news there. Bob notices and soon bursts out in laughter. Damilola joins. As the laughter gets hysterical, rushing violent poo smashes their way out of Bob’s ass and the pain converts his laughter to scream. Damilola resumes cheering him up in a bid to calm his seeming pains. When Bob wouldn’t respond dearly, she vows to never feed him her local meals anymore. Bob’s excitement is over the bar!

-----

DAMILOLA

Don’t worry sweetie. This is the last time I’m ever making you my local meals. Henceforth, it’s your mom’s delicacies all the way. Just pull through for me, okay?

BOB

(Childlike)

You promise?

DAMILOLA

(Crosses her heart)

I cross my heart.

BOB

(Still childlike)

Okay.

-----

Childish emotions fill the air, as Damilola stretches upward to hug Bob who bends over from the toilet seat. The smell of his poo soon meets Damilola’s nose and she withdraws in disgust. Bob laughs it out while Damilola fans off the smell with her hands, still seated before Bob.

FADE TO BLACK.

-----

INT. THE BOB'S (PARLOUR) - DAYS LATER

(BOB, DAMILOLA)

-----

The Bob’s celebrate their first pregnancy with a few friends, including Olamide and Kristy.

-----

BOB

Ladies and gentlemen, today is the second happiest day of my life, and I’m glad to celebrate it with you all, my closest family and friends. Today, I’m glad to announce to you that in nine months from now, there will be the cry of a baby in this house, which has been my earnest desire for years. My darling wife is finally pregnant!

-----

Crowd cheers.

-----

BOB

Thank you. Thank you. That’s one. Secondly, in addition to breaking the news of her pregnancy to me under the most unusual circumstance ever, my dear wife also promised to never again serve me her local meals which rock her boat so dearly be...

-----

Not wanting him to break the news, Damilola rushes out and shhhhhhs him!

-----

DAMILOLA

(Intercepts insecurely)

Don’t! Don’t!

-----

Covers her outstretched hand on his mouth and turns to the crowd with a light cheery smile.

-----

DAMILOLA

(Forced smile)

Family business.

-----

The stunned crowd calms upon her utterance. She sits back and Bob continues his speech.

-----

BOB

And now, ladies and gentlemen, time to eat, and drink, and make merry!

-----

Bob points toward the dinning table, lavishly littered with diverse American delicacies. The crowd cheer in approval of the meals...except Olamide, who is awkwardly reserved. Noticing his awkwardness, Kristy elbows him lightly, urging him to join the celebration while giving him a wink that implies something Ola isn’t exactly sure of. He tilts towards her to find out. Kristy looks around to see if anyone is observing. Seeing that all attention is channeled to the meals on the table, she reaches for her handbag and slightly pulls it open for Olamide to peep inside. In confusion, Olamide peeps inside. A smile registers on his face as he beholds the content of the bag. A jump shot to the bag reveals dry Garri tied together with some cubes of sugar in a white transparent waterproof. And there’s a bottle of fresh groundnuts in there too. Kristy soon shuts the bag while throwing mischievous winks at Olamide. As soon as she shuts the bag, they give each other a high-5 and join others in appreciation of Damilola’s delicacies.

CUT TO:

-----

INT. THE BOB'S (SECLUDED AREA) - MOMENTS LATER

Scene finally opens on Kristy preparing Garri for Olamide to sip, since he couldn’t afford to partake in the eating of Damilola’s delicacies. The process of making the Garri is funny, as it’s one of the last things a white woman would be expected to be seen doing. Olamide enjoys the process. She mixes the cubes of sugar with groundnuts in a cup full of dried Garri. She adds water and gets it set for consumption, after which she hands it to Olamide. Olamide sips it enjoyably, like a typical Nigerian man. Along the line, he offers her some of it. She gladly obliges. But as she takes in the first spoon, her expression makes obvious the fact that it’s not a delicacy she’s accustomed to. Olamide keeps urging her to have more of it, which she continually obliges until it becomes like normal for her to sip it. They take turns to share the spoon, enjoying the process, smiling and laughing, and laughing, at each other happily, until:

FADE TO BLACK.

-----

INT. CONFERENCE HALL (COUNSELLING SESSION) - SOME TIME LATER

(COUNSELOR, COUPLES, HUSBANDS, WIVES)

Marriage and parenthood had changed many things about Damilola, Olamide, and their families. Having met the acquaintance of several other families in the U.S, they welcomed the initiative of amassing necessary orientations that would make for the preservation and elongation of their marriages. Therefore, from time to time, they would grace counselling sessions to learn a thing or two about parenthood and life as a whole...like on this very day.

-----

COUNSELOR

You must be shrewd about not believing easily things not in accord with reason. As long as you don't know what they did to you, leave them! When you find out who did shit to you, do shit to them too, if you so choose! Else, live and let them live too!

COUPLES

They're so bent on using us to break our previous records and then strip us of the current record we break, which they’d hand over to women-husbands who wouldn’t submit to their boy-wives! They loath our submissiveness to our tender husbands because they only seek dominance over boy-wives they’d program with “simping ideologies” to turn to endearing toy-soldiers! They loath us for not wanting such!

COUNSELOR

They have made themselves your opponents in so doing, provoking you to anger every now and then! But use your anger as spy. Anger empties out the soul and brings even its dregs to light. That is why, if you know no other way of discovering the truth of the matter, you must know how to put your acquaintances, adherents, and opponents into a rage...instead of letting them put you into a rage. That way, you learn all that is really being thought by them to be undertaken against you.

COUPLES

They interact with coded language we can’t decipher. As you know, information is useless when one doesn’t know how to interpret nor use it to tell appearance from reality. This is where they seem to have the upper hand. Moralizers making a show of purity to hide nefarious desires! They want to make our husbands mummy's boys who can’t man-up over their wives! There’s going to be a lot of that going around, then, since we’ll make sure to return the favor by making them to become Daddy’s girls to those boy-wives they call husbands! It’s about time they manned-up as men! 

COUNSELOR

They seek to put you against other persons, especially those you care about and love. They may put those people in situations that embitter you, which you wouldn't expect those people to assume because you know they care about you for real and only an enemy would play such roles against you. But in your ignorance of it, the moment you notice a supposed loved one playing such roles against you, it’s only normal to want to clap back in self-defense or even concentrated attack! An eye for an eye, they say! Consequently, you harm your loved one without knowing and take the fall for it…while the doers walk free and fulfilled over having gotten you to buy into their whim! What's the remedy? As earlier said, as long as you don't know who did what to you, leave them! When you find out who did shit to you, do shit to them too, if you so choose! How do you know who did shit to you? Use spies! A network of spies will extend your vision, particularly as you learn to interpret the information they bring you. Get an edge over your enemies by hiring people they fired. They will tell you how your enemies think. If you know people who your foes have scores to settle with, link up with them, form a formidable team that will see you tackling foes hook, line, and sinker! This is because the greatest power you can have in life would come neither from limitless resources nor even consummate skill in strategy. It would come from clear knowledge of those around you—the ability to read people like a book. Given that knowledge, you can distinguish friend from foe, smoking out snakes in the grass. I rest my case here! Any more grievance to share?

HUSBANDS

They’re challenging us to smoking competitions! To determine a winner! Smoking has different effects on smokers! While some smokers get driven to conflict, other smokers smoke to have their medulla oblongata boosted up, becoming so creative, super intelligent, and super everything! Who's supposed to be the winner in such competitions when smokers smoke to achieve different purposes? Or they seek to judge it based on getting driven to conflict? Which will require a clown to resolve?

WIVES

Ours is an institution with bored kids. We bring in different level-headed people to treat their numbness to amusement but they usually still stay bored. But the said clown who seems far removed from all and sundry, once we granted him audience, the kids’ aliveness was revivified and everyone came to a point of understanding!

COUNSELOR

I am that clown, but you never knew...thanks to disguise. I hadn’t always been a clown. I became a clown because I lost my reputation, and I guess it served a noble cause. But don’t be like me…the girl who lost her reputation and never missed it!

-----

Awe: an overwhelming feeling of wonder hits the couples!

FADE TO BLACK.